Saturday, September 16, 2006

Where did that go?

It takes a really incompetent gardener to kill a cactus. It may recover – if I stay away from it.

That is one poorly cactus.

It was a big mistake for me to tell you the secrets of multiple realities and time. Ever since I did that, I have found that the mystical invisible dwarves have been tampering with my reality clock and keeping me from my blogging duties. They thwarted my best intentions to catch up today. Every little job seems to be taking twice as long as usual.

So, patient yeomen, please bear with me. I will be trying to catch up with all of your blogs, comments and emails this weekend.

My only consolation is that every mystical imaginary dwarf has a lady mystical imaginary dwarf waiting at home with a very real rolling pin.

It hasn’t helped that we had to bail out Evar from the custody of the Chief Inspector. It was all very embarrassing. To thank everyone for their support over the incident at the Finches show, Evar decided to throw a big dinner party. The guest of honour being the good Chief Inspector McCrindle Barleymow Honeydew-Fforbes.

Evar was back on top form – even after being turned down for Celebrity Masterchef for being too well known. (Note 1) There was a steely determination that he was going to prove to the world he was a master cook.

The menu was a masterpiece of Eastern European cooking. His cabbage canap├ęs were out of this world. The beetroot and cabbage soup made us swoon. The fish in salt pastry danced the rumba on your taste buds. The grand finale was a delicious chocolate cake in the shape of a pair of Darwin Finches. (Note 2)

The thing about the Chief Inspector is that he doesn’t consider himself every to be off duty. He lives in dread of ever being accused of corruption. We didn’t realise that he was wearing a wire. Over coffee, when Evar was a little evasive about where he got the fish, the Chief Inspector suddenly cried out “Knock, Knock, Knock”. Mattress Madge thought we were about to play part games, but suddenly the dining room filled with police and gamekeepers. (Note 3)

When you live in the country, you always have a problem with poachers.

It was all a misunderstanding. The Chief Inspector has been subjected fierce lobbying by fishermen. Apparently, people have been going fishing and then eating the fish. (Note 4) Poor Evar hadn’t been poaching. He just didn’t want us to know that he’d bought a Marks and Spencer ready meal.

Mind you, things look bleak for Chief Inspector McCrindle Barleymow Honeydew-Fforbes. He is being threatened with a transfer to Slough.

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Yes, the cult of celebrity strikes again. The BBC in their infinite wisdom have decided to wheel out a selection of the reliable ‘C’ List to see if they can cook. I’m beginning to think that some of these celebrities are only celebrities because they appear on celebrity reality shows. Matt Dawson, who was part of the England Team that won the Rugby World Cup, seems to pop up on all of the shows. After his exploits in the kitchen, he will be seen strutting his stuff on Strictly Come Dancing. A case of from hero to plonker if you ask me. Click to return

NOTE 2 : It all added to the cosy atmosphere of the occasion. Well, cabbages tend to have a strange effect on my digestion. Click to return

NOTE 3: There is no way that I would ever get involved in parlour games with Mattress Madge. Last time I ended up with a black eye and concussion. Click to return

NOTE 4: Just why anyone would sit on a cold, damp river bank dangling a bit of string in the water for hours just to throw their catch back is beyond me. The whole idea of fishing was to gather food. If the fish know they are just going to be thrown back, it isn’t so much bait on the hook, but a free meal. Click to return

The cop of the 23rd Century will be genetically modified and selected on the size of their hands and feet.

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