Tuesday, September 05, 2006

In Praise of Desicated Amphibians

I think I may have got carried away with these tonight.

The secret is revealed.

Now here’s the thing. My loyal yeomen may have noticed that my blogs have been rather overloaded on the whimsy the last few days. I thought that tonight I should redress the balance. I thought about it long and hard. I really did, but time pressures rather got to me and so instead of 17th Century Philosophy, you’ve got this.

You may remember, the dried frog pills have featured highly in my blog. (Note 1) These are strange green concoctions that when taken according to the instructions, transport you to a whole new reality.

A reality where you will find Padstow, the professional stalker. In my blog a couple of days ago, I recounted the tale of how Padstow, in a sugar fuelled frenzy, attempted to become the first person to cross the Atlantic by pedalo.

Hey! It’s an alternate reality. Things like that can happen in alternate realities.

This is Jason Lewis. Check out those eyes. Check his pockets for candy.

Then all of a sudden, I’m forced to check if I have messed up the dosage on my medication. I read about Jason Lewis. He plans to circumnavigate the globe using human power alone. The final leg of his journey is to include a 2,200-mile (3,540km) pedal boat crossing of the Indian Ocean from Mumbai to Djibouti on the horn of Africa. (Note 2).

Still, with my doubts about my medication, I had always thought it safe to consult a doctor. You can always trust a doctor to take a reasoned, logical view of the world and point you in the way of the definitive reality.

Poor old Mr. Punch – totally misunderstood. Persecuted because of his affliction.

Then up pops David Bryson from the University of Derby. This dedicated academic has taken to diagnosing puppets. He has come to the conclusion that Mr. Punch behaves the way he does because he is suffering from acromegaly. It’s going to play havoc with the old seaside puppet shows. (Note 3)

I’ve spent the whole day pinching myself – trying to work out which reality I’m operating in.

I think I need to go and lie down in a darkened room with a moist chamois over my face. Before I go, I need to make good on a promise. If you dare, the recipe for Dried Frog Pills can be found here

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: For those of you who don’t know, the dried frog pill is not my invention They come from Terry Pratchett’s Discworld. For those of you haven’t read Terry Pratchett – you have really missed out. For those of you who have, then perhaps it is time to make the cake. Click to return

NOTE 2 : Yet, my disbelieving yeomen, this isn’t the strangest fact about his planned expedition. Our Jason has a cunning plan to protect himself from wild dogs by means of Chinese Sausage. I’m afraid the article doesn’t tell the way the wild dogs prefer their sausages served. I suspect that it is with a side order of human buttock. Click to return

NOTE 3: The puppet show will have to introduce a Social Worker who will appear in the first scene and whisk Mr Punch away for treatment in a gleaming hospital. He’ll return a new man and spend the rest of the show picking out new soft furnishings with Judy. The kids will be riveted. Click to return

Good News everybody! Penfold is to return to our screens.

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