Up to the Nines

Don’t Look, Ethel!

Well, my good yeomen, I don’t know about you, but this model of the universe is proving a tad more difficult than I thought. Last night, Padstow came over with an emergency delivery of PVA glue and sticky back plastic. He looked at my efforts and made that annoying sucking sound so beloved of mechanics when they are about to add another zero to the bill. Realising that I was successfully managing to ignore him, he took to tutting and shaking his head.

When I eventually cracked, he took great delight in telling me that I hadn’t included enough dark matter.To be fair, Padstow was kind enough to drive me to the 24 hour emergency hobby outlet to pick up extra plasticine.

The world can be relied upon to maintain the Ying Yang balance. After the horrific discovery that the universe was short several half kilo colour slab assortments (and according to Padstow, a Batman Shape a Scene), there was the joy of discovering that this blog has made a difference. I notice that despite the best efforts of the Oregon Tourist Board, the addictive nature of mutant blackberries has hit the news. (Note 1)

Today has had a theme. Perhaps without me noticing someone declared 24th August “Get yer kit off day”. Apart from the rather unfortunate run in with the Eastbourne formation nude crochet team in the hobby team, nudity has been cropping up all over the place.

It seems the Tokyo transport chiefs have relented and allowed nude pictures of Britney Spears on adverts in the tube trains . (Note 2)

I also travelled to a meeting in Coventry, the home of Lady Godiva. The fair Lady is famed for riding through the streets of Coventry naked in protest at unfair taxes. Less well known is that after the Norman Invasion, she was the only woman allowed to retain her lands and titles

Continuing on the theme, I noticed that Chinese authorities are cracking down on people hiring strippers for funerals. (Note 3) I’ve decided that this is something I want. I’ve decided that I want a troop of strippers to perform to “Son of a Preacher Man” as my coffin passes through the velvet curtain towards the furnace. This could appear tacky if not done properly, so I shall be rehearsing volunteers at the “Rat and Ferrett” every Thursday night. If you fancy honouring the not dead yet, feel free to pop along.

In closing, I should mention the picture from last night. The one of a tooth growing up a man’s nose. It seems that it wasn’t received that well. (Note 4) I realise now that it wasn’t in the best of tastes - I’m sorry.

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: For those of you totally confused by the idea of Mutant Blackberries, then I suggest you do a quick search on Marionberries or Oregon. Maybe a visit to Sean’s blog is in order. You all thought this was some strange running joke, but now the truth is seeping out. Where are Skulder and Mully when you need them? Click to return

NOTE 2 : Yes, another example of silly season news from the BBC. There is no truth that the rumour that the ban was removed in an effort to overcome the crowding on the tube system. Click to return

NOTE 3: This all to draw in a crowd for the funeral. The belief is that the bigger the crowd the more it honours the dead. Click to return

NOTE 4: To be honest, it made me feel a touch queasy. Not only that, I’ve found myself wondering if there are special toothcare products for nose teeth. Do you need a small toothbrush? How do you floss? Is there a special nosewash? A trip to the local Boots failed to find a single product to help those afflicted with this problem. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Trivia ; News ; Coventry ; life ; BBC; Comedy ; red1hols.