Thursday, March 29, 2007

On the Not-So Slippery Slope

While in hiding, Evar has been earning some extra money by giving tips on disguises on the internet.

Strike By Fashion Police Beginning To Bite.

Well, my creamy yeomen, last night you could have knocked me down with a feather. Indeed, you could have covered in sprinkles and called my a donut. Or even wrapped me in crushed velvet and called me Dior.

On entering the ‘Rat and Ferret’, I was dumbfounded to see Chief Inspector McCrindle Barleymow Honeydew-Fforbes stood at the bar. Now I know this isn’t an uncommon experience. It isn’t that unusual to see the erstwhile Chief Inspector sporting a cast on his leg and crutches – for his is a dangerous occupation.

No, the surprise came from seeing his drinking companion was none other than Evar! The tanned and smiling Evar has had his misdemeanours forgiven and has returned from his exile.

Despite rumours that Evar was living rough on Bondi Beach, it can now be revealed that Evar was living in a small, Austrian ski resort disguised as busty Peruvian chalet maid call Maria. In a coincidence that would grace a plot hole in an American mini-series, the good Chief Inspector chose that very chalet to enjoy a short skiing holiday. Thankfully, Evar’s disguise was so good, that even the keen-eyed Chief Inspector failed to recognise his arch-nemesis. (Note 1)

The reconciliation came about after the Chief Inspector decided to indulge in a little extreme skiing and strayed off-piste. Unfortunately, he slipped and did himself a mischief. So loud were the Chief Inspector’s expletives, that they sparked an avalanche. Fortunately, Evar was in the same area and skied to his rescue, scooping him up as the wall of snow was about to swallow them both up and then, with the Chief Inspector over one shoulder, he outran the roaring ice until they reached safety.

With such bravery, the Chief Inspector felt it churlish to press charges and with the slate smudged unreadable, Evar is free to partake of a pint of Nightswerve’s Velvet Cudgel in the Lounge Bar.

Washday at Yvette’s always draws a crowd. She only owns one bra.

Sadly for Yvette Munsderpiedder, her return to the ‘Rat and Ferret’ will have to postponed for a while longer. While Evar was in trouble with the noble Chief Inspector, it appears that Yvette has upset Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs. (Note 2)

An undercover investigator has been rifling through Yvettes underwear drawer and has calculated that the pneumatic and curvaceous Yvette should have paid VAT on tips she received while working at the Aniseed Hippo Lap Dancing Emporium.

Sadly, this case looks to run and run. The Customs’ people have calculated the tax bill based on the size of Yvette’s lingerie. Anyone who has seen the size of Yvette’s lingerie will realise that the tax demand is exceedingly large.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: I was to learn later from one of the fellow residents of the chalet that this was despite a rather drunken game of ‘Strip Tiddlywinks’ and a rather inept attempt by the inebriated Chief Inspector to seduce the now partially disguised Evar. I have a problem with some of the mental images this provokes, but suffice to say that both of them deny the story – despite the impeccable source. Click to return

NOTE 2: As every schoolboy knows, the it wasn’t the police who did for Al Capone, but the tax man. In the end he got sent down for eleven years for tax evasion. Click to return

My cute little mascot admits that even he wouldn’t like to explore the depths of Yvette’s support garments.

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