Dateline Ohio, Sunday 25th February.
Welcome, my fine yeomen, to the breaking story of the decade.
Amazing scenes are unfolding in Southern Ohio. Late yesterday, reports started to trickle in to the news agencies of pillars of cloud signaling the way to a small, unassuming and usually quiet street on the outskirts of town. As the sun sank in the West, the last few rays seemed to ignite the clouds and turn them into pillars of fire. (Note 1)
This network can exclusively reveal the REAL reason behind the exciting phenomenon.
Here, in typical Mid-Western suburbia a Yahoo 360 milestone will crumble to dust.
Inside a typical all American (with a hint of Welsh) home, a mild-mannered domestic goddess will rip off her fluffy slippers and share with the world her world famous pancakes.
Already queues are forming around the block. The black and whites tried to cordon off the area, but in scenes reminiscent of Close Encounters of the Third Kind people scrabbled through open country to join the queues. (Note 2)
The President mobilized the National Guard to help keep order, but for some reason they all set off for Oregon.
Thankfully, the queues are generally well mannered and behaved. Queue jumping is being punished by being placed in a large homemade cage with two young children, a TV and a Barney video.
The world waits.
Any open space in the area has been claimed by large outside broadcast trucks. The world’s media are fighting to set up their cameras in the best vantage points.
All of the major networks are here - except the Evil Murdoch Empire who found their cameras all turned to waffles and that someone poured Maple Syrup in their gas tanks.
The red carpet at the Kodak theatre is deserted as people rush of to the real hot ticket destination in Ohio.
When the first egg is cracked you will hear it here first!!
From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.
NOTE 1: That’s the problem with the air quality in some of our cities today. One carelessly discarded sunbeam causes an aerial conflagration of almost biblical proportions. Click to return
NOTE 2: Indeed, I found myself waking up early and for no apparent reason making models of typical American homes out of mashed potato. Click to return