It Wuz My Blog Wot Dun It!

The Sun sets.

The title of this particular entry is a gross overstatement. In fact it is a gross overestimate of my importance that stems on arrogance. For that, my fine yeomen, I offer my sincerest apologies.

Some of you may remember that I have posted a couple of blog entries entries, about Andy Coulson and the bugging of the phones of Royal aides.

Well, to give some credit to Mr Coulson, he has at last done the honourable thing and resigned.

Am I happy? Well, no. My reaction is more of surprise that someone from Murdoch’s Evil empire took responsible and did the noble thing.

Am I sympathetic? Absolutely not. I hope that other journalists and editors take note.

TECHNORATI TAGS : News International ; Murdoch ; Coulson.

Ocular Impediment for Rick Parfitt

Ocular impediment for Rick Parfitt?

The trouble with Padstow is he has rather got out of the habit of using the front gate and doorbells. (Note 1)There I was, all settled in for a lazy Sunday evening when someone started lobbing handfuls of gravel at my window.

Extricating a very excited Padstow from the shrubbery, I brushed him off and brought him inside.

When I returned from the kitchen after fetching us both some cloudy apple juice, Padstow was going through the drawers in my cabinet. It’s a bit disconcerting, but it is something in his nature. At one time he’d hoped to be a journalist, but felt that having married parents and loving his mother disqualified him.

Padstow turned on the TV. His face lit up like Blackpool in September. The producers of the latest celebrity game show had decided to boost viewing figures with the introduction of another twisted twist. The public were being invited to take part in a vote to nominate a Celebrity who would then have their pet cooked by a top chef and served to the housemates.

Swallowing hard, I turned off the TV as the celebrities were told they were going to have a special meal cooked for them. A rather loud girl who I didn’t recognise bounced up and down and hoped for fowl. (Note 2).

With the TV switched off, Padstow blinked and tried to remember why he had come to see me (Note 3). In the end, after deciding that the weighing of the witch by the pond had been cancelled, he remembered that Mattress Madge had sent him as there was a very important meeting about to start in the ‘Rat and Ferret’.

Now technically, I shouldn’t go to meetings in alternate realities. They are not really my business. Yet in my reality, if you are English you do get to feel that you are not altogether engaged in the political process. By simply slipping into the comfy cardigan which is the reality of the ‘Rat and Ferret’, it’s refreshing to find that politics retains the rough and ready edge of the public meeting and the soapbox. Indeed, I’m pretty sure that Sid and Mattress Madge will be laying on a bit of a do in May to celebrate three centuries of the Act of Union. In this reality I’d imagine they’ll wring their hands in politically correct angst.

Alternate reality meetings have that lovely zing of the how things should be when politicians face their constituents and justify their record or ask their opinion on major issues of the day. (Note 4) There is the unfeasibly absurd as well. In the snug bar they still talk about the time that the French Prime Minister popped in and asked if his country could join the Union. In the world of the ‘Rat and Ferret’ things like that happen, but of course, never in the real world.

You know what? I think that I’ve run out of space for this blog to describe the public meeting itself. So my teased yeomen, I shall leave you with a phrase that I have been using far too much recently. TO BE CONTINUED…

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: You have to remember that Padstow is a professional stalker by trade. PR agencies hire young Padstow to stalk their aspiring talent in order to scrape up a bit of publicity. Hardly a week goes by without a picture of Padstow appearing in the Sunday papers. Well, a picture of some starlet trying out her ‘my hero’ eyelash fluttering as several large security staff manhandle a hooded and manacled Padstow towards a large van. Click to return

NOTE 2: Well, I think she was referring to the menu for the evening, but who can really tell. I was suffering a touch of trauma and trying to keep Padstow from taking photographs of my soft furnishings. Click to return

NOTE 3: He struggled at first. He began by testing out my gullibility by telling the most appallingly unbelievable anecdote about a (Welsh) Member of Parliament dating one of the Cheeky Girls. It took several hearty slaps before Pastow agreed that the story must be false. Click to return

NOTE 4: The really sad thing about this is that I think that politicians would like to be able to hold these sort of sessions, yet feel that they couldn’t fill the snug bar of their local pub with enough people to make it worth while. Yet, I can remember going to a public meeting in Bristol hosted by Tony Benn where he not only filled a large hall, he held his audience spellbound. It wasn’t until I was going home that I realised that most of what he said was idealistic and impractical. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Evar ; satire ;Big Brother ; Act of Union ; France; Lembit Opik.

Turning a Blind Eye

Who needs the dried frog pills.

The last week would best be described as being strange. I have been busily checking my stock of dried frog pills and none are missing. My stock of Nightswerve's Velvet Cudgel remains firmly under lock and key. I've also taken to asking if anyone has taken to adding unusual herbs to my meals. Yet however hard I try, I cannot seem to shift the idea that I have slipped into an alternate reality without realising.

I urge all of my sturdy yeomen out there to be wary. It looks to me like that some of the weirder realities are seeping into this one.

Take Kelvin MacKenzie for example. Kelvin used to work for Rupert Murdoch's Evil Empire as the editor of The Sun newspaper. (Note 1)

At the 1989 FA Cup semi-final at Hillsborough, Sheffield, 96 Liverpool football supporters lost their lives in a crush before the game as fans rushed to get into the ground before the kick off.

In the same week, The Sun published a front page article claiming that fans caught up in the disaster beat up a policeman who was trying to give a fan the kiss of life, picked the pockets of victims and urinated on police. All of these claims were found to be false by Lord Justice Taylor who chaired the public enquiry into the disaster.

Reaction in Liverpool to the story in Liverpool was one of intense anger. The Sun still struggles to sell as well on Mersyside as it unfortunately does in the rest of the country.

Now some of my more astute yeomen may be wondering just why I have to taken to dredging up what is essentially such old news.

This week, Kelvin MacKenzie was chosen to take part in BBC Question Time. (Note 2)

In response to a question about Iraq, Kelvin MacKenzie had a good rant about how Tony Blair should have the good grace to stand up an apologise for being wrong about the reasons for taking us to war.

All very noble. All what people wanted to hear. Hmmm.

Yet when the topic of apologising for his decision to run the incorrect story about Hillsborough came up, he steadfastly refused to apologise.

There you have it. To get to the top in Murdoch’s Evil Empire isn’t anything to do with having principles and sticking with them. Just saying what people want to hear. How would a politician be judged if they behaved like that? I bet there would be a front page story demanding their resignation on the front page.

This week, we saw the Evil Empire trying to con us that it occupies some moral high ground. (Note 3) They announced haughtily that the News International Group would not be using any pictures taken by Paparazzi of Kate Middleton, Prince William’s girlfriend. Of course, this doesn’t mean that they’ll stop using other paparazzi photographs, just ones of Kate Middleton.

Now this is all very laudable and I’m sure it has nothing to do with all of the publicity surrounding the inquest into Princess Diana, William’s mother. At the time of her death she was being chased by paparazzi.

Although using paparazzi photographs is nothing compared to bugging the phones of the Royals and celebrities. Yet, you may remember from a previous blog entry, is just what one of Ian Coulson’s staff at the News of the World did.

If a politician was in charge of a department that bugged people’s phones and then used the information for their own ends, I bet there would be a front page story demanding their resignation.

Do you spot the pattern yet? Kelvin MacKenzie and now Ian Coulson. Within the Evil Empire ‘Do as I say not as I do’ is very much order of the day.

Not that the Evil Empire isn’t averse to a few dodgy and underhand business tactics of their own. In order to stop the takeover of ITV by NTL, the Evil Empire took a stake in ITV to block the takeover. Thankfully this is now being probed by the Office of Fair Trading and who knows we may even see some action taken.

Of course, if a rival businessman did that, I bet we would see a front page headline demanding that he resign or be punished.

I watch all of this with interest. Will Kelvin MacKenzie apologise? Will Ian Coulson resign? Will News International stop using all paparazzi photographs? Will the Evil Empire sell their stake in ITV at a loss?

What do you think?

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: I believe I am in a very charitable mood here when I describe this as a newspaper. If you discount the sport content, it only gives a passing nod to current affairs and news. The actual content means it is more of a comic. Unfortunately, the Evil Empire understands that it never pays to over estimate the intelligence of the British Public. As a result, The Sun is the biggest selling daily. For me this is a frightening statistic that should be a cause of national shame. Click to return

NOTE 2 : Normally the panellists are chosen because they represent a political party or a particular social group. Somehow, Kelvin MacKenzie slipped in. I can only assume that this means that being ‘in the media’ now means you represent some constituency within the UK. This sits uncomfortably with me, but if media people wish to believe they represent people then they must also be subject to the same responsibilities – that is if they are found wanting then they should be forced to step down (This is an important point for later – trust me, I’m not a politician or a journalist). Click to return

NOTE 3: I find the whole idea laughable to. The best they can really hope for is to clamber up into the gutter briefly until the next opportunity arises for them to dive gleefully into the sewer. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : News International ; Murdoch ; Coulson ; MacKenzie ; BBC ; red1hols.

The Tour Continues

And the picture storm continues.

Well, my intent yeomen, you seem to have survived the holiday season. (Note 1)

There is always this rather annoying issue about what to do with the really good chocolates. They are simply too good to stuff metronome like into your gullet through re-runs of due South. You know they are to be savoured and enjoyed one at a time. The solution is simple – as all good solutions are. You simply hide the box away from prying eyes and sticky fingers. Then, when you are in the mood, you palm them one at a time – but only when you are convinced you will avoid discovery. For discovery will force you to pass the box around.

Holiday memories are almost the same. You delve into them a little bit a time, savouring each one allowing yourself to re-live the experience, savour it and enjoy it before moving on to the next.

The only difference is that I find myself more than willing to bore you with a further instalment of ’What I did on my holidays.’ (Note 2)

Having survived dressing as a penguin and the Captain’s Reception, the next day saw us in the Grenadine Islands. Those who wanted to go ashore had the option of transferring to the island of Mayreau by means of one of the ships tenders. (Note 3)

The ship’s tenders are basically lifeboats with windows. In fact, in the event of an emergency, the tenders double up as lifeboats. Those little cute things bobbing up and down there will hold around 160 people. Of course, only the people who paid extra will get a place on the lifeboats with windows if you strike the iceberg. Given this and I the fact that I’ve not seen reports of icebergs in the Caribbean, I didn’t bother.

Mayreau is a small island. I convinced myself that there would be little to see and do ashore, so we stayed aboard the Arcadia and generally relaxed and explored. It also allowed a recharge of the batteries after the journey out. I was on holiday after all and if you can’t chill out on holiday when can you?

So Day four was spent eating, exploring the ship, eating and not taking many photographs.

It was the first real chance to unpack properly. We mooched around and had a Bar-B-Q lunch by the pool, which is at the top of the ship (there are actually two swimming pools, both on the top deck).

The bulk of the other facilities are concentrated on decks two and three (the promenade deck). Some of the facilities like the theatre and the restaurant we used a lot. Others like the art gallery, florist and the Casino not at all. There were bars, shops, a coffee shop, photo gallery and Internet café which all drew some custom from time to time.

Rumours abounded on board that there was also a gym and a spa to help you work of some of the excesses of the various eateries, but I was never curious enough to seek them out.

The lazy day drew to a close. We ate dinner, that goes without saying. (Note 4) Afterwards, wandering through to the theatre and caught a show before collapsing into bed. Yes, a hectic day all round.

So here endeth Day Four of what I did on my holidays. TO BE CONTINUED…

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Let’s face it, with the all of the Christmas decorations packed away, the house looks a bit bare. Suddenly we are forced into the realisation that we are stuck in the midst of winter. It’s cold, damp and dark. We won’t see much in the way of sunshine. And, if that isn’t enough to depress you, they put Celebrity Big Brother back on the TV (link deliberately withheld). Click to return

NOTE 2 : It is me taking pleasure at looking again at the photographs and insisting on re-living all the memories that means that it takes a long time to prepare all of these posts. Still, I’m sure you will want to indulge me. For those of you who don’t, I’m sorry, you can always amuse yourself here. Click to return

NOTE 3: One of the features of a cruise is the ability to eat 24 by 7. Not only can you eat all day, but the quality of the food is generally high too. One of my favourite meals of the day is breakfast – and on a cruise ship you get a FULL breakfast with all the trimmings plus a few you had never even thought of. After a good breakfast, I suddenly didn’t fancy the idea of a trip in one of those tenders. Click to return

NOTE 4: No day was too lazy or too hectic that required us to miss dinner. The passengers were divided into two sittings. It seemed rather odd, but any similarity to school dinners ended there. The restaurant took food and service to another level – although there was an option to further enhance the dining experience. More on that in a later entry. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Mayreau ; Tourism ; Travel ; Grenadines ; Caribbean ; Arcadia ; red1hols.

Turn Around and Allow Me

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I have the tools, why doesn’t anyone ask?

Had the good marketing men working for Hough Lian Enterprises Corp of Taiwan got in touch with me, I’m sure I would have been able to help them out. (Note 1) My particular skills are absolutely perfect for highlight and promote them to the world and give their products that little PR nudge that will turn them into the next Microsoft.

It seems, my wise yeomen, that the blogosphere is the latest tool in the Marketing Executives toolkit. Everything from the latest Hollywood blockbuster to the next big thing in the art world gets promoted via a blog.

The fact that companies are quick to utilise the power of the blog to generate a bit of publicity and interest shows what a kicking place (See Becky, your Dad knows all the hip language of the street) we have helped create.

All of which is fine until some enterprising PR man decides that to stir up a bit of publicity for their product, they’ll lend out a few examples to some key bloggers in the hope that they will pick up some cheap publicity. (Note 2). In my blog yesterday, the final link was to the blog of Marshall Kirkpatrick. The poor guy has got himself into a right two and eight (listen! A maniacal laugh echoes around the walls. I slip in a phrase to deliberately confuse my Merkin yeomen – then refuse to explain).

Young Marshall (Note 3) caught the eye of a PR man in Microsoft who decided it would be a spiffing stunt to send out a few laptops to bloggers to allow them to review Microsoft’s new Vista Operating System. Marshall pans the Vista Operating System in his review (and the actual laptop later) and then expresses surprise when a sobbing PR executive from Microsoft demands his laptop back. It strikes me that wispy beard or not, Marshall hasn’t quite grasped how these things work.

Now if that nice Microsoft PR man would like to send me a lovely laptop complete with pretty Ferrari badges and the Vista Operating System – I’ll be happy to give it a glowing review her in my blog. In fact, I’ll even let the nice Microsoft man write the review while I play with my new toy.

It seems that there are some who take this blogging lark far, far too seriously. Yes, Marshall, I include you in that number. Even the BBC realises that there is a need to lighten up occasionally.

There again, could there be another reason why truck loads of freebies are not rolling up at my door? Or perhaps it is that here on 360 (and apologies to those of you reading this on my mirror site) we are not considered ‘proper’ bloggers. (Note 4)

Sadly, I think it is the latter. Snobbery is alive and well on the internet.

Justmeagain organised a rather whimsical awards ceremony for the blogs that have featured on Yahoo and decided to organise nominations and a vote. All good harmless fun. Of course, somewhere a synapse jarred and I went off and checked out the internet to see if there are any awards for Bloggers.

Well cover my bald head in bloater paste and call me Hi-tee there are. Amazing as it may seem, but there is not a single Yahoo 360 or MySpace blog in the list. In fact, if you go through the list of nominations, you will find that there isn’t even a nomination for a Yahoo or MySpace blog (unless you count this).

There are blogs on Yahoo worthy of inclusion in the nominations and some that stand a good chance of winning.

Sadly, it looks like snobbery is still alive and well on the internet. Perhaps in 2007, Yahoo users will have to fight back when the time for nominations comes.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: It seems a regular occurrence that in the midst of a high pressure power lunch, at least one executive suddenly bemoans the fact that there is a shortage of cutlery and then unsuccessfully attacks their bowl of Mulligatawny with a fork. There is many a CEO that has risen to power because of his knowledge of the telescopic products marketplace. Click to return

NOTE 2: And yes this did stem from jealousy. I’ve put pictures of Golden Syrup in my blog – Tate & Lyle didn’t send as much as a sugar cube. I even put up pictures of Marmite – mind you, I’m not sure I really want my house overrun with evil black gloop. Still it would be nice to think that they cared. I give them all of this wonderful free publicity and they don’t phone, don’t write they don’t send flowers… Click to return

NOTE 3: For the unfortunate Marshall has all the looks of being young, cynical and yet unworldly wise. Like may before him, in attempt to gain a look of wisdom and to gain an air of ‘I’ve been about a bit so I must know what I’m talking about’ has attempted to cultivate a beard. Unlike my own fine specimen, his has turned out thin, wispy with a risk of being described as bum fluff. Fear not Marshall! I shall share with you a tip for great whiskers. Every night, before you go to bed rub in a little Nightswerve’s Restorative Hair Tonic. Available from all good chemists.

Is that OK Albert? If it is then just send a crate of the stuff to my house or better still, I’ll pick it up the next time I’m in the Rat & Ferret. . Click to return

NOTE 4: Because in this virtual world we are not devoid of class. Ever since the very early days of the internet, there has been a perceived social divide. Since the dawn of message boards, those who sit in front of an Apple and those who sit in front of a Windows PC have squabbled over what is best. Those who own Macs are convinced that Windows users have sold their souls to Microsoft and that they alone carry the sacred boot disk. Now we also have the Linux users claiming that open source is the only true way to enlightenment. The internet is plagued with fanatics who refuse to believe that every platform has its place. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Marshall Kirkpatrick ; Vista ;Microsoft ; Life ; Awards; red1hols.

Another Turn With the Scratchy Label

The interesting label remains firmly sewn into my underwear.

I felt it was only fair of me to refrain from showing images of my underwear to my partying yeomen until after the holidays. (Note 1). If you look closely at the picture, you will see that the ‘interesting’ label sewn in by the Yahoo Editorial team during the Christmas party remains.

Perhaps I am wiser or maybe I became hardened to it all during my first spell, but the label does not seem as scratchy this stint.

More likely is that this stint in the spotlight has brought people from across the globe to my page and has given me the opportunity to glimpse their pages. One major surprise has been the visitors from Iran.

This poses me a bit of a problem. Apart from my ignorance of the country that is. Alieh quite rightly got upset with me when I incorrectly described her language as Arabic rather than Farsi and surprised me rather by describing herself as a Persian girl rather than Iranian. (Note 2).

It’s particularly frustrating that even though the Farsi script of Alieh looks absolutely marvellous on the screen – I cannot read or understand a word of it. While Alieh’s English is impeccable – I cannot find a tool that will translate her page (or that of Ademizad) into English. Is there a yeoman out there who knows a way?

The biggest surprise though was that they could actually read my blog. I’d always thought that Iran strictly controlled access to the internet. Indeed, it is one of the countries cited by the University of Toronto ’Hacktivists’ as being a victim of censorship.

Alieh asked me what I thought about the execution of Saddam Hussein. (Note 3). The answer is that it was wrong on so many levels.

In the UK we do not have the death penalty for any offence. The idea that the taking of a life can be justified because of due process or because you hold a position of power is morally wrong. When you are judging a murderer and you elect to terminate their life you are in fact lowering yourself to their level.

The trial, Iraq’s attempt at showing due process did not come across as being a fair trial. It seemed to me that the whole thing was some form of tribal revenge.

The timing of the execution so that it coincided with an Islamic holy festival was wrong. The execution itself was a sick farce and the different films being circulated show lack of any dignity, organisation or discipline amongst the Iraqi government.

The lack of any condemnation from our own government worries me. Margaret Beckett, the Foreign Secretary didn’t really reflect the official views on the death penalty. I wonder if anyone in the UK Government actually spoke to the Iraqi authorities in an attempt to put the UK views across.

It should also be mentioned that there does seem to be this idea in the region that it is OK for governments to support groups in other countries who use violence to promote a political ideal in which they believe. This is another form of government sponsored murder. It always amazes me that the same governments then get upset when they are not accepted into the bosom of the international community.

On a lighter note, I would like to point out that I am available for product placements and free gifts. I am more than happy to review new operating systems, digital cameras, cars or even speedboats on this blog. (Note 4) Although I hope that such don’t lead to misunderstandings that require me to actually return the goods being reviewed.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Even now, I feel it would be very unfair to actually show pictures of me in my underwear. Those sorts of pictures are best pinned to the fridge door as a last ditch effort to kill the appetite and stem the nigh time munchies. None of my fine yeomen deserve such a picture. Yet there have been one or two visitors in the last month who seem to collect such pictures and go to prove there is nowt as weird as folk. Click to return

NOTE 2: Like so many good Brits, I call Ceylon, Sri Lanka and Rhodesia, Zimbabwe. I’ve always gone along with the idea that in the bad old days of empire, the Brits turned up at a place and struggled with the local name so they simply chose a new name they could pronounce. I’m not sure when Persia became Iran or why, but I went along with the new name. I’d always sort of assumed that Iranians, like the former countries of empire, would look on being called Persian as something of an insult. It seems, not for the first time, I was wrong. Click to return

NOTE 3: She also suggested that I could be or at least look like a politician. Although I may have proved that I satisfy the criteria of ignorance, it does throw up a very interesting cultural difference. My love of face fur (a beard for non-native English speakers) almost precludes me from running in an election in the UK. Here, bearded men are looked on by some with suspicion. So in the UK at least, you will find that politicians go clean shaven. In the Middle East they can look beyond such things. Click to return

NOTE 4: Please don’t think that I am being mercenary here and only going for the big ticket items. I would review chocolate, but Charlie has already cornered the market. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Freebies accepted ; Iraq ;Comedy ; Life ; Capital Punnishment; red1hols.

Taking on a Springtime Tinge

A holiday essential it seems.

Well, my delicate yeomen, there are a few perks in being the nominated driver on New Year’s Eve. For a start my alarm clock had a gentle relaxing tick, tock, tick, tock. I dare say there are those of you out there who over indulged last night who found that the Oh God of hangovers has turned your normally mild mannered timepiece into a hammer and an anvil. Some will blame spiked drinks (Note 1), but I’ll have none of that. As a person who was so annoyingly good while the booze flowed freely – I insist on my opportunity to be incredibly smug.

Before you started on the falling over juice you should have drunk a pint of milk and before you went to bed you should have guzzled down a pint of water. And to polish off that lingering sensation of someone inserting red hot needles into your brain via your eyeballs you should try a couple of slices of toast and golden syrup (Note 2).

Another bonus is that my memory of the evening remains unimpaired and the photographs turned out well. (Note 3).

As midnight approached, the host, not trusting his wristwatch, turned on the TV to catch the countdown to the New Year. The TV was tuned to Jools Holland’s Hootennanny. We did the countdown, sung some song by an obscure dyslexic Scots poet and did the kissing and hugging thing – but the TV was left on.

In fact, I’m glad it was. There were two very memorable events on that show. One was a remarkable performance by Adrian Edmondson who sang a Jazz version of Anarchy in the UK by the Sex Pistols (Note 4).

The other was a performance by a guy called Seasick Steve. When you get five minutes you really must explore that site and listen to some of the music in the free downloads section. If his performance last night is anything to go on – the guy will be a star!

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Face facts, no matter how much you drank you would notrice if someone had placed that waste disposal that’s churning away in your stomach in your glass. Click to return

NOTE 2: According to some radio host stand in (the normal host being a guest on some New Year’s Eve TV show), this has been proved the best way to drive off a hangover. Personally, I find that flat coke and paracetamol works a treat. Sadly, I cannot find a link for either of these cures so you’ll just have to take my word for it. Click to return

NOTE 3: I’m not posting the actual photographs just yet – there is still plenty of time for those concerned to stuff a brown envelope with pretty coloured pictures of Her Majesty and maybe facilitate some over zealous deletion of particular images. Click to return

NOTE 4: Not only was the performance good – it was also funny. The whole thing was an absolute hoot which with more to drink could easily have led to a moist leg interlude. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Seasick Steve ; Punk Rock ;Comedy ; Life ; red1hols.