Confronting the Magnolia Whelk (at last)

Getting yourself noticed.

Oh my word! It seems, my fine questing yeomen, that I have left the parking brake off a juggernaut!

It seems that my musings over the workings of internet search engines has struck a harmonic chord amongst you – despite being that little bit flawed. I am now faced with the task of trying draw together all the different threads and draw some conclusions to our little experiment in cyberspace. But where do I start?

I suppose, the first step would be to draw together all of the different coloured whelks as there have been a number of additional requests since my last post. (Note 1)

Liss has decided that she is Magenta Whelk.
Lookwhatthecatdragged in is Periwinkle Whelk.
Mousepotato is Shocking Pink Whelk.
Kerry is Asparagus Green Whelk.
Sean is Burnt Umber Whelk.
Lee is Crimson Whelk.
Stu is Caspian Blue Whelk.
BJ is Vivacious Violet Whelk.
Eskimo is Ember Whelk.
Ali R is Turquoise Whelk.
Gypsy is Sage Green Whelk.
Chloe is Ocean Whelk.
Fuzzy Slippers is Aubergine Whelk.
Karma Chimera is Puce Whelk.
Still NoCouch is Sensual red Whelk.
Raenie is Buccinum undatum Whelk.
Irish Erin is Plaid Whelk.
Heather belle is Lavender Blue Whelk.
Padded Cell is Azure Blue Whelk.
Seedrum is Seedrum White Whelk.
Contrary Mary is Baby Poo Yellow Whelk.
Skorpio is Cadmium Yellow Whelk.
Meledesma is Titanium Whelk.

Now THAT is the final, last, definitive, unalterable etched in granite list of the different coloured whelks. My attention span just cannot cope with adding any more or any modifications. Sadly, those who requested duplicates got ignored, sorry.

The next step must be to explain what a whelk is. It seems that the term doesn’t travel 360 well. Quite simply it is a marine snail found in temperate waters and it makes a very tasty treat for Saturday tea. According to the Wikipedia entry, they can be confused with conches. I don’t actually believe that. Whelks are about an inch long and Conches are so big that their shells are blown as trumpets. That would be like confusing a garden shed with Buckingham Palace.

I suppose at this point, I should hold my hands up and say ‘Sorry, Dr. Marriott.’ (Note 2) This is what happens when you let yourself get all carried away with an idea, you forget all about the principles of scientific method. I got all carried away and didn’t really set up any controls which would make the results meaningful. Yes, I have been a very silly old Hector.

In saying that, there were a few observations that I feel I can make as a result of the experiment. For a start, the word ‘whelk’ has a strange effect on my yeomen. Since using the word in my blog, sales of dried frog pills have risen by 17% and sales of Nightswerve’s All Purpose Nerve Tonic by 23%.

The thing is though, you all want to know the impact on Google. Well, I was able to make some observations, even though I am unable to provide the proof that would satisfy the Royal Society. (Note 3)

The only things that I can say are these :-

The more unlikely your choice of words for your ‘Google Bomb’ (for example combining an exotic colour with a sea gastropod) the more likely it will succeed.

Just having the links to a page using the words is not enough – people have to follow the links to get a web page to move up the list on Google

I like to think, but have no way of proving, that not actually having the words for your chosen coloured gastropod on your web page is no bar to moving up the Google list.

All in all, I don’t think this was my most successful experiment EVAR (Note 4) It hardly ranks up there with the ‘using a paperclip as a fuse does cause electrical fires’ or ‘What happens when you release Amide chemicals in a chemistry lab?’.

For those of you who were expecting me to explain those two – you are out of luck. I have added them both to my prospect lists for future blogs, so you will just have to watch this space!

Now I better be off and have a dried frog pill and a hefty swig of Nightswerve’s All Purpose Nerve Tonic. The mere mention of Dr Marriott has brought on palpitations.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes. Perhaps I should start saying the Crozzy Memorial Standard as it appears that dear Crozzy has left us for interests new.

NOTE 1: There seems to have been a lot of interest in claiming various coloured whelks. Sadly there were a couple of duplicates and there are some which I appear to have lost in the jumble of paperwork on my desk at the moment (Yes, I am one of those old fashioned people who continues to use pen and paper to make notes!). If your particular favoured whelk doesn’t appear here, then all I can say is sorry.Click to return

NOTE 2: Now a lot of my more academic yeomen may be dashing off to discover just who is Dr. Marriott. I should point out that this phrase is a well worn one from my youth. Dr Marriott was my physics teacher. For some reason, he has become a bit of a caricature in my memory. That would make it very unfair to describe him here – I know I am getting on a bit, but I reckon that there is a good chance that the good doctor and his knobbly purple nose is still out there. Click to return

NOTE 3: I should have been more on the ball in the first instance. It seems that I could have got funding for my little experiment. It is comforting to know that there is always going to be funding available for good research. I wonder if anyone thought to mention to the scientists the slight flaws in their plan? Click to return

NOTE 4: For all of those of you who have expressed concern, Evar is alive and well, just rather busy at the moment trying to sort out other matters. Apparently, the monumental Yvette is suing Evar for breach of promise after a remark he made in a fit of passion. I believe that his defence goes along the lines of “Although he meant it when he said he was going to wrap his arms around her, it wasn’t his fault that they wouldn’t reach.” Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : experiment ; Google ; Science ; Bomb ;whimsy ; Magnolia ; Whelk.

Geek Quest for the Google Coloured Whelk

This is Kerry’s search result. Sadly my results don’t match this.

Friends! Yeomen! And errrm…. Whelk fanatics, lend me your ears!

I don’t want your ears really. Although I guess they would look on a nice mahogany mount hung over the fireplace in the billiard room. What I want is for you to make a blog entry for me as part of our Google Bomb experiment.

Simply copy and paste the part of this entry describing the different coloured whelks into your own (I’ve put a guide into the text), give it a heading, choose a photo if the whim takes you – just as long as you leave the list of the coloured whelks as is. This will help ensure that everyone’s coloured whelk makes it into Google without being eaten. You don’t even need to worry about the links because they will be maintained if you use the standard compose blog entry screen they will be copied over as well!

Thank you and HAPPY EASTER!

===COPY FROM HERE===

I am Magnolia Whelk.
Liss has decided that she is Magenta Whelk.
Lookwhatthecatdragged in is Periwinkle Whelk.
Mousepotato is Shocking Pink Whelk.
Blogiversarry girl, Kerry is Asparagus Green Whelk.
Sean is Burnt Umber Whelk.
Lee is Crimson Whelk.
Stu is Caspian Blue Whelk.
BJ is Vivacious Violet Whelk.
Eskimo is Ember Whelk.
Ali R is Turquoise Whelk.
Gypsy is Sage Green Whelk.
Chloe is Ocean Whelk.
Fuzzy Slippers is Aubergine Whelk.
Karma Chimera is Puce Whelk. More Power to Your Whelks!

===TO HERE===

TECHNORATI TAGS : Google ; Bomb ;whimsy ; Magnolia ; Whelk.

Magnolia Whelks and Miserable Failures

Getting yourself noticed.

My bipedal yeomen, the rather horrible truth is that I am stuck for a topic today. After following a set of instructions to make coloured egg bread, I appear to have decimated the kitchen and traumatised the cat. I almost wavered and gave you the link to enable you to have your own attempt, but there is enough suffering in the world already. Besides, I think that you have to be some kind of contortionist to make the stuff properly.

Yet again, I digress. In my search for a topic, I went to the BBC News website and started a leisurely surf. I wasn’t to be disappointed. I came across an article discussing “Google Bombs”. Now excuse me for the moment if I don’t give you any links, but I have my reasons. (Note 1)

Now hands up any curious yeomen who have entered their own names into Google to see what pops up? Quite a few of you, I would imagine. This could be because my imagination is impaired this morning and I am jumping to this conclusion based on the fact that I quite regularly indulge. Sadly, when I enter my name, the Senior Lecturer in organic chemistry at the University of Kent tops the list.

It could be a trick of the synapses, but I think I have known about the manipulation of search engines for some time. In the ‘olden days’ of the internet you could raise your site up the listings by repeating keywords on your page. I also knew that nowadays the search engines are more sophisticated and fooling them required more art.

I also knew that up until recently, if you entered “miserable failure” into Google and hit the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button it would take you here.

I just didn’t connect the two until I read this article on Google Bombs.

Once the connection was made though, I’m afraid my mischievous streak kicked in. (Note 2)

If it really is that simple to fool the search engines, why don’t we give it a try?

I have a cunning plan - a geeky quest if you will.

We all choose a colour – I’ve chosen magnolia because it goes with my slippers. Then we all add the word ‘whelk’ to that colour. Then we simply add a link to each other’s homepage under that title. So, a link to my page would be labelled Magnolia Whelk.

Before you know it we should be enter our coloured whelks into Google and see our names high up the search results! By that I mean entering ‘magnolia whelk’ into Google will see my 360 page in the results – who knows, maybe even top of the results!

So, leave a comment under this entry stating your chosen colour and I will add the links – just remember to return the favour and link to my 360 page with the label Magnolia Whelk.

Would you look at that, the colour nominations are coming in already!

Liss has decided that she is Magenta Whelk.
Lookwhatthecatdragged in is Periwinkle Whelk.
Mousepotato is Shocking Pink Whelk.
Blogiversarry girl, Kerry is Asparagus Green Whelk.
Sean is Burnt Umber Whelk.
Lee is Crimson Whelk.
Stu is Caspian Blue Whelk.
BJ is Vivacious Violet Whelk.
Eskimo is Ember Whelk.
Ali R is Turquoise Whelk.
Gypsy is Sage Green Whelk.
Chloe is Ocean Whelk.
Fuzzy Slippers is Aubergine Whelk.
Karma Chimera is Puce Whelk.
OK, that’s it – the list is closed for now!

Now I better be off and have a dried frog pill. I have this horrible feeling that this post made no sense at all.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Well, as I just wandered off to go do some little chore, I thought about this and decided that there isn’t any good reason why I don’t share with you a link to explain Google Bomb. There you go then, that was a link. Looking back at the text, I have totally forgotten what I was going to write. My brain is away on a different planet this morning. Perhaps I should wander off and dribble aimlessly in a cornerClick to return

NOTE 2: It is probably a shock for you to learn that I have a mischievous streak. Thankfully, I keep it very well hidden and hardly ever act upon it. If I did you would find me visiting your pages leaving strange or cryptic notes. On really bad days, when the haemorrhoids goblin is out and about tweaking the low hanging fruit, I have been known to deliberately grab at the wrong end of sticks or flirt outrageously. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : potato ; Google ; Waffle ; Bomb ;whimsy ; Magnolia ; Whelk.

Free Range Potatoes

He’s not going to do another pig link is he?

I’m not sure how you arrived at Yahoo 360, but I came via a strange detour from Yahoo Answers. Yes, my alluring yeomen, I have entered and survived the captivating and frustrating maelstrom that is the Answers Portal.

While it seems that the vast majority of the questions are puerile or bigoted or downright strange, I still find myself returning there on occasion, hoping to find the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything or perhaps to find a question or two that I may answer to give enlightenment to some aspiring grasshopper

For obvious reasons, I have kept this rather idealistic and illogical craving quiet, preferring not to burden you all with my condition. I suppose I should really seek treatment, but sometimes, very occasionally, my twilight forays pay off and some little gem materialises or I find myself producing something a little different.

Such a thing happened this week, when I found myself presented with the opportunity to answer the question ”Where in the UK can we get Free Range Potatoes?”. My fingers twitched, synapses sparked, the small little cogs shuddered and before I knew what had happened, I had provided enlightenment. I share that enlightenment with you all today (with a few modifications).

Henry Charles Warbarton still farms potatoes in the traditional manner near Cromer in Norfolk. Manor farm covers around 240 acres of the North Norfolk countryside. Its unique position on the coast and the rich fertile ground, means he is able to raise a number of varieties. Never having used pesticides or herbicides on the land means that there are an abundance of wild pasta plants on which the potato thrive. Access to the sea means he can breed a number of the amphibious strains that can trace their ancestry back to their epic voyage clinging to the hull of Sir Francis Drake's flagship. (Note 1)

Such is the demand for his crops, Henry no longer conducts his own harvests. He finds there are always enough true food enthusiasts willing to come catch their own.

On special holidays, the more vigorous amongst you might wish to join the North Norfolk Legume Hunt (Note 2)and capture your potato on horseback using the traditional potato waffle - a net that inspired the design of the modern potato waffle.

In the height of summer there are also trips that enable you to catch the amphibious varieties off the coast. You will find all the equipment will be provided including lines baited with the finest cheddar cheese and butter.

Whatever your choices, it is a fun filled day out. Just remember that children should not be encouraged to hunt potatoes, as they can be dangerous when cornered.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: There is a lot of debate about just how the amphibious potato reached Britain. Although the majority of British children are raised on tales of the how the hardy potatoes clung to the barnacled hull of the Golden Hind as it circumnavigated the globe, the Spanish claim otherwise. They claim that Drake and attacked a galleon in the Bay of Biscay and looted the precious cargo. Whatever the truth of the matter, we got the potato and they were left with tortilla chips nesting in their bunks. Click to return

NOTE 2: The North Norfolk Legume Hunt holds the honour of being the only hunt exempted from the UK Haunting with dogs act. This is largely due to the arguments that range over the classification of the potato and the problems caused by feral potatoes.

Thankfully this has preserved this traditional practice which has been a rousing sight ever since the potato was introduced into the British countryside.

Farmers had to find ways to keep the numbers of feral potatoes down to stop them worrying the chickens and destroying local pasta crops. Without hunting, the farmers would be forced to hunt them down with mallets and mashers - a process that causes far more suffering to the wild spuds. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : potato ; answers ; humour ; whimsy ; Dracula ; Drake.