Saturday, May 19, 2007

Confronting the Magnolia Whelk (at last)

The answer is that the smell of rotting fish is produced by Amides. You have to read the entry to understand.

Getting yourself noticed.

Oh my word! It seems, my fine questing yeomen, that I have left the parking brake off a juggernaut!

It seems that my musings over the workings of internet search engines has struck a harmonic chord amongst you – despite being that little bit flawed. I am now faced with the task of trying draw together all the different threads and draw some conclusions to our little experiment in cyberspace. But where do I start?

I suppose, the first step would be to draw together all of the different coloured whelks as there have been a number of additional requests since my last post. (Note 1)

Liss has decided that she is Magenta Whelk.
Lookwhatthecatdragged in is Periwinkle Whelk.
Mousepotato is Shocking Pink Whelk.
Kerry is Asparagus Green Whelk.
Sean is Burnt Umber Whelk.
Lee is Crimson Whelk.
Stu is Caspian Blue Whelk.
BJ is Vivacious Violet Whelk.
Eskimo is Ember Whelk.
Ali R is Turquoise Whelk.
Gypsy is Sage Green Whelk.
Chloe is Ocean Whelk.
Fuzzy Slippers is Aubergine Whelk.
Karma Chimera is Puce Whelk.
Still NoCouch is Sensual red Whelk.
Raenie is Buccinum undatum Whelk.
Irish Erin is Plaid Whelk.
Heather belle is Lavender Blue Whelk.
Padded Cell is Azure Blue Whelk.
Seedrum is Seedrum White Whelk.
Contrary Mary is Baby Poo Yellow Whelk.
Skorpio is Cadmium Yellow Whelk.
Meledesma is Titanium Whelk.

Now THAT is the final, last, definitive, unalterable etched in granite list of the different coloured whelks. My attention span just cannot cope with adding any more or any modifications. Sadly, those who requested duplicates got ignored, sorry.

The next step must be to explain what a whelk is. It seems that the term doesn’t travel 360 well. Quite simply it is a marine snail found in temperate waters and it makes a very tasty treat for Saturday tea. According to the Wikipedia entry, they can be confused with conches. I don’t actually believe that. Whelks are about an inch long and Conches are so big that their shells are blown as trumpets. That would be like confusing a garden shed with Buckingham Palace.

A cute snapshot of my garden shed.

I suppose at this point, I should hold my hands up and say ‘Sorry, Dr. Marriott.’ (Note 2) This is what happens when you let yourself get all carried away with an idea, you forget all about the principles of scientific method. I got all carried away and didn’t really set up any controls which would make the results meaningful. Yes, I have been a very silly old Hector.

In saying that, there were a few observations that I feel I can make as a result of the experiment. For a start, the word ‘whelk’ has a strange effect on my yeomen. Since using the word in my blog, sales of dried frog pills have risen by 17% and sales of Nightswerve’s All Purpose Nerve Tonic by 23%.

The thing is though, you all want to know the impact on Google. Well, I was able to make some observations, even though I am unable to provide the proof that would satisfy the Royal Society. (Note 3)

The only things that I can say are these :-

The more unlikely your choice of words for your ‘Google Bomb’ (for example combining an exotic colour with a sea gastropod) the more likely it will succeed.

Just having the links to a page using the words is not enough – people have to follow the links to get a web page to move up the list on Google

I like to think, but have no way of proving, that not actually having the words for your chosen coloured gastropod on your web page is no bar to moving up the Google list.

Noddy and Paddington being very naughty and teasing one of the guards on my garden shed.

All in all, I don’t think this was my most successful experiment EVAR (Note 4) It hardly ranks up there with the ‘using a paperclip as a fuse does cause electrical fires’ or ‘What happens when you release Amide chemicals in a chemistry lab?’.

For those of you who were expecting me to explain those two – you are out of luck. I have added them both to my prospect lists for future blogs, so you will just have to watch this space!

Now I better be off and have a dried frog pill and a hefty swig of Nightswerve’s All Purpose Nerve Tonic. The mere mention of Dr Marriott has brought on palpitations.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes. Perhaps I should start saying the Crozzy Memorial Standard as it appears that dear Crozzy has left us for interests new.

NOTE 1: There seems to have been a lot of interest in claiming various coloured whelks. Sadly there were a couple of duplicates and there are some which I appear to have lost in the jumble of paperwork on my desk at the moment (Yes, I am one of those old fashioned people who continues to use pen and paper to make notes!). If your particular favoured whelk doesn’t appear here, then all I can say is sorry.Click to return

NOTE 2: Now a lot of my more academic yeomen may be dashing off to discover just who is Dr. Marriott. I should point out that this phrase is a well worn one from my youth. Dr Marriott was my physics teacher. For some reason, he has become a bit of a caricature in my memory. That would make it very unfair to describe him here – I know I am getting on a bit, but I reckon that there is a good chance that the good doctor and his knobbly purple nose is still out there. Click to return

NOTE 3: I should have been more on the ball in the first instance. It seems that I could have got funding for my little experiment. It is comforting to know that there is always going to be funding available for good research. I wonder if anyone thought to mention to the scientists the slight flaws in their plan? Click to return

NOTE 4: For all of those of you who have expressed concern, Evar is alive and well, just rather busy at the moment trying to sort out other matters. Apparently, the monumental Yvette is suing Evar for breach of promise after a remark he made in a fit of passion. I believe that his defence goes along the lines of “Although he meant it when he said he was going to wrap his arms around her, it wasn’t his fault that they wouldn’t reach.” Click to return

Alan Johnston is still held hostage in Gaza. This week saw his 45th birthday.

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