Darwin’s Evolution of Synaptic Tangent

It is time, my chipper yeomen, that I set you a small puzzle to start the week, and trust me this is a small puzzle. It has been a while since I set off on a trail of synaptic tangents, so I am going to start off small, can you connect Charles Darwin with Melinda Messenger?

Another reason I am starting off small is that I am finding inspiration hard to come by.

I believe that something has subtly changed in the BBC newsroom. This is probably not unique to Auntie. As a bit of a news junkie I do tend to flit from news source to news source like an addicted bee hops from poppy to poppy. (see Note 1)

It seems that the news pages have been slipping towards the idea that they are only supposed to report on the ‘heavy’ news items and that these must be delivered with the most depressing tone possible.

The nearest I came to inspiration over the weekend was a story over the weekend about a portaloo arsonist operating in San Fransisco. Sadly, the company spokesman already managed to deliver the obvious pun. I did note that the police did not state that they ‘have nothing to go on’, so I can only assume that they are following up the leads that point to Malibu and the neighbours of Bob Dylan.

Looking at the BBC news website this morning, there was very little there that could lift my spirits and nothing that sparked a creative synapse. The nearest I could find was a piece on Charles Darwin’s university days and that didn’t seem to hold much promise. After all, it blandly reported that the young Charles didn’t waste his student grant on anything mundane like books. (see Note 2)

Then I found a fantastic synaptic tangent to the pneumatic Melinda!

Have you found it yet? Well, those cheeky journalists at the BBC spotted that while a student, Charles Darwin paid the extra to have vegetables with his meals (see Note 3) and used it to pump the ‘five a day’ healthy eating mantra. For those of you who didn’t realise, Melinda Messenger, when she isn’t dancing on ice (see Note 4), is the face behind the NHS ‘five a day’ message.

Well, if you excuse me, I must sign off. All this talk of healthy eating has given me the urge to go nibble on a melon.

Note 1: OK, there is no scientific basis for believing that the pollen from the poppy is anyway addictive to bees.

Note 2; It’s good to see that nothing much has changed with student life over the years. Modern students might not collect beetles, but they certainly try to avoid frittering their money away on books.

Note 3: Well, some things about student life have changed. If my son is anything to go by, modern students cross the road to avoid vegetables.

Note 4: I’ve never actually watched this show and never will in protest at the exploitative reality format. Sadly, it doesn’t stop me giving it a plug every now and again. I’m sure a psychotherapist would love the opportunity to explain that.

On the Not-So Slippery Slope

Strike By Fashion Police Beginning To Bite.

Well, my creamy yeomen, last night you could have knocked me down with a feather. Indeed, you could have covered in sprinkles and called my a donut. Or even wrapped me in crushed velvet and called me Dior.

On entering the ‘Rat and Ferret’, I was dumbfounded to see Chief Inspector McCrindle Barleymow Honeydew-Fforbes stood at the bar. Now I know this isn’t an uncommon experience. It isn’t that unusual to see the erstwhile Chief Inspector sporting a cast on his leg and crutches – for his is a dangerous occupation.

No, the surprise came from seeing his drinking companion was none other than Evar! The tanned and smiling Evar has had his misdemeanours forgiven and has returned from his exile.

Despite rumours that Evar was living rough on Bondi Beach, it can now be revealed that Evar was living in a small, Austrian ski resort disguised as busty Peruvian chalet maid call Maria. In a coincidence that would grace a plot hole in an American mini-series, the good Chief Inspector chose that very chalet to enjoy a short skiing holiday. Thankfully, Evar’s disguise was so good, that even the keen-eyed Chief Inspector failed to recognise his arch-nemesis. (Note 1)

The reconciliation came about after the Chief Inspector decided to indulge in a little extreme skiing and strayed off-piste. Unfortunately, he slipped and did himself a mischief. So loud were the Chief Inspector’s expletives, that they sparked an avalanche. Fortunately, Evar was in the same area and skied to his rescue, scooping him up as the wall of snow was about to swallow them both up and then, with the Chief Inspector over one shoulder, he outran the roaring ice until they reached safety.

With such bravery, the Chief Inspector felt it churlish to press charges and with the slate smudged unreadable, Evar is free to partake of a pint of Nightswerve’s Velvet Cudgel in the Lounge Bar.

Sadly for Yvette Munsderpiedder, her return to the ‘Rat and Ferret’ will have to postponed for a while longer. While Evar was in trouble with the noble Chief Inspector, it appears that Yvette has upset Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs. (Note 2)

An undercover investigator has been rifling through Yvettes underwear drawer and has calculated that the pneumatic and curvaceous Yvette should have paid VAT on tips she received while working at the Aniseed Hippo Lap Dancing Emporium.

Sadly, this case looks to run and run. The Customs’ people have calculated the tax bill based on the size of Yvette’s lingerie. Anyone who has seen the size of Yvette’s lingerie will realise that the tax demand is exceedingly large.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: I was to learn later from one of the fellow residents of the chalet that this was despite a rather drunken game of ‘Strip Tiddlywinks’ and a rather inept attempt by the inebriated Chief Inspector to seduce the now partially disguised Evar. I have a problem with some of the mental images this provokes, but suffice to say that both of them deny the story – despite the impeccable source. Click to return

NOTE 2: As every schoolboy knows, the it wasn’t the police who did for Al Capone, but the tax man. In the end he got sent down for eleven years for tax evasion. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : News ; Evar ;Yvette Dracula.

Poking a Grumpy Lion With a Pointy Stick

May the Force Be With You!

Well, good yeomen, last night somebody tinkered with the clocks. So now we are running on British Summer Time which is a hour ahead of good old GMT. (Note 1) So it is that I – and so many others – will spend the next couple of days wandering around a touch grumpy having lost a precious hours sleep.

Yet it is now truly Spring! You would expect that we would all be bouncing around like the young lambs in the fresh green pastures. But no, we will all spend the next week grumbling about sleep deprivation and making statements like ‘Yesterday I was still in bed at this time’.

Perhaps we should have the same approach as Iran. They are currently celebrating the festival of Norouz. Nourez is a major holiday in the country.

I’ve always had an interest in Iran. It has an amazing history and cultural legacy. Yet here in the West, we tend to view it with a little bit of suspicion. I’ve always tried to take an informed view on the stories, but perhaps it is the changes to the clocks, but even I am beginning to wonder if the Iranian leadership is trying to goad the West into war.

In my rather grumpy mood, I am getting rather fed up with Iran’s take on what constitutes diplomatic endeavours. We have had the Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad call for Israel to be wiped off the face of the map and to deny the Holocaust under the Nazis in Europe. We have seen Iran actively support groups that employ terrorism. There have also been suggestions that Iran is supporting the insurgents in Iraq. (Note 2)

We have also had the rather long running dispute over Iran’s Nuclear program, particularly their enriching of Uranium and their refusal to allow Nuclear inspections by the UN. An issue that stems from Iran running an enrichment program in secret in contravention of international treaties and then taking an uncompromising line once found out.

All of which leads us to question whether the international community can trust Iran. Just how far is Iran prepared to go to?

Despite it being a public holiday in Iran, in a piece of miraculous timing, the Iranian Republican Guard had ships at work in Shatt al-Arab waterway. Just as the UN were about to vote on sanctions against Iran because of their Nuclear program, the Iranian Republican Guard seized fifteen British sailors on anti-smuggling operations in Iraqi national waters. (Note 3).

In this grumpy, sleep deprived state of mine, it is beginning to look like the Iranian Government believes that it can just do whatever it likes, whenever it likes without any regard to any other international body or government. That Iran doesn’t negotiate or discuss on issues and is just out to goad the rest of the world.

Without trust and without dialogue and compromise there seems to be limited ways you are able to deal with Iran.

Take care, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, you cannot go on poking a grump lion with a pointy stick forever without getting a reaction.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: My body clock seems more in tune with British Summer Time. I like getting up early and the simple temporal shift of the clocks means that I get up at an hour that people are less likely to view as weird. The thing is, that in the summer months the early morning is a truly wonderful time. There is nothing quite like watching the sun come up on a late spring day – and the moving of the clocks forward means this treat is more accessible to all. One of the great pleasures I remember from working shifts was going outside for a ciggie in mid-summer and watching the sun creep over the horizon. Given that the horizon was actually the local abattoir you would have thought the magic would be lost – but no, it always gave me a real lift even if I was barely half way into my shift. Click to return

NOTE 2: In the interests of balance, I should point out that both the US, UK, China, Russia and others have been known to support the appropriate Left Wing or Right Wing Freedom Fighter / Rebel Group in the past too. Then we have the whole issue over the Iraq War and the invasion of Iraq by the US and the UK – so perhaps we are in a position of weakness when discussing the supporting of terrorists. Click to return

NOTE 3: I’m inclined to believe this because the patrols would be equipped with GPS and this isn’t the first time that Iran has pulled this trick. When they did this in 2004 the GPS systems later proved that they had never strayed out of Iraqi waters – as confirmed by Sir Alan West in this interview. It is also suggested that the Revolutionary guard used to make a good living out of smuggling before the British Naval patrols. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ; Iran ;News ;Norouz; BST ; UN; Dracula.

Synaptic Meanderings

From atop the wall.

I shall take all of my wonderful yeomen into my confidence. I have absolutely no idea where this blog entry will go today. I have a few news items to somehow weave into today’s rich tapestry, but nothing to link them together. There is a little bit of bluster and indignation to throw into the mix and a couple of photographs to tempt you with, but, well, I have to admit that I’ve got nothing to get your juices flowing.

There is always one Christmas present that you keep going back to. And it isn’t the cute Teddy Bear. The present in question will get many a mans interest tweaked. (Note 1) In the end it may not be much of a gift, but it certainly raised a few grins.

So in the end, the gift of a smile was given which can only be a good thing. Buying a new steam iron or an ironing board wouldn’t have achieved the same effect. Indeed I am sure that husbands across the globe who’ good intentions ended up at the local casualty department would have been grateful if the fine academics had been a little more timely in releasing their research. I’m sure that many a hubby would have been able to use that excuse to prevent the embarrassing wait in the local A&E to have the ironing board surgically removed.

It might be a little too late for those poor men clogging up all of the A&E departments across the land, but for those of you who get caught out with a less than romantic present and an irate partner approaching with intent in their eyes and ironing board in hand – You could fling the dice one last time by quoting this research. Although, to be honest, I don’t think it will help.

Well, I’m about out of time. In a very short while, I need to start getting all dressed up and ready to hit the New Years Eve party circuit.

All is left is for me to wish you all a very happy New Year and hope that 2007 brings you health and happiness. That the new year makes a reality of all your dreams and a nonsense of all your nightmares.

’HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!’

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: With the male trait of considering reading the instructions to be an admission of stupidity, the two spiky spheres cause the imagination to go off in all sorts of tangents (and on some of those journeys, tears come unbidden to the eyes). When the promise of the packaging eventually proves too much and you do read the instructions you are going to be very, very disappointed! Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : News ; Comedy ; Life ; red1hols.

Hurrumph and Good Cheer

A turkey dinner of sorts.

Fine yeomen, I’m afraid that I bring bad news. It seems that there is an expectation that I will respond to a ‘Tag’ and describe ten grocery essentials for any Christmas. Sadly, I’ve had very little time. I’m afraid I have been consoling Sid, the landlord of the ‘Rat & Ferret’ after one of the highlights of his year was reduced to a shambles.

One of the traditions of Christmas in the ‘Rat & Ferret’ is the annual seasonal message delivered by Chief Inspector McCrindle Barleymow Honeydew-Fforbes. Sid, the landlord, takes the honour of hosting the annual message very seriously. In the days running up to the event, he skulks around the local woodland to ensure the pub is full of pagan foliage. A large fir tree appears next to the fireplace and is soon creaking under the weight of cheap plastic tinsel, baubles and chocolate goodies. (Note 1) Christmas cards are strung across the ceiling along with colourful paper chains. There is even a little wooden stable with various Barbie dolls and Action Men figures dressed up to resemble a nativity scene (after about six pints if you have a very active imagination and squint through half closed eyes).

On the big night, Sid clears all the tables out of the lounge bar and brings in extra chairs from the function room. This year there was an additional buzz as Padstow had installed a camera to provide a podcast of the event.

Still not sure what picture one and picture two are all about?

The regulars enter into the spirit of things too. Long before the start a small and occasionally orderly queue starts to form. (Note 2) Expectant noses press against the window panes trying to catch a glimpse of the preparations through a crack in the curtains. Yet Sid remains deaf to the pleas for early access coming through the letter box. Everything has to be just right before he pulls back the heavy bolts and opens the front door.

Still not sure what picture one and picture two are all about?

Having pulled the mulled wine duty in the kitchen, not only did I get to watch the pneumatic Mattress Madge work her magic on the mince pies and brandy butter, but I was there when the Chief Inspector arrived resplendent in his full dress uniform complete with medals. (Note 3).

The Chief Inspector and Padstow consulted in one corner of the kitchen while Mattress Madge and I worked on the refreshments. While I was distracted, the Chief inspector took a pull from the Brandy bottle and pinched Mattress Madge on her well upholstered posterior. Neither of us said anything, putting his behaviour down to nerves.

Sid appeared in the doorway and gave a nervous cough. Mattress Madge and took the buffet through while Padstow touched up the Chief Inspectors make up.

The sight of the Chief Inspector taking his place at the lectern caused the room to fall silent. As the Chief Inspector opened his mouth to speak, the door opened to admit a latecomer, Yvette Munsderpiedder. Sid, Mattress Madge and myself instinctively moved to defend the buffet, but she went and sat down at the back of the room. The Chief Inspector ran a finger around the inside of his collar and gave a nervous cough.

Still not sure what picture one and picture two are all about? By now you should have got the clues so the fact that the second explanation isn’t really that helpful shouldn’t worry you.

Yvette sat at the back of the room and glared at the Chief Inspector. (Note 4) The Chief Inspector looked everywhere but at Yvette, cleared his throat and greeted his audience. His voice quivered slightly as he announced that his published topic, the success of the ASBO.

This is just too easy. I don’t know if I should give an explanation to this picture.

Like in a scene from a spaghetti western, the door burst open. Those nearest the door dived for cover. Long, spiny fingers of fog drifted through the open door. Padstow started to whistle.

After a suitably theatrical pause, Evar came through the door utilising his best John Wayne walk. Chairs tumbled as the audience scattered.

All of us had expected Evar to be back in the old country, but the fog at Heathrow had caused his flight to be cancelled.

Evar kicked chairs aside as he moved slowly towards the Chief Inspector. Padstow hastily moved the camera, but kept filming. Evar stared at the Chief Inspector. The Chief Inspector stared back at Evar, a muscle twitching at the corner of his left eye.

Perhaps it is a bit much to use brand names – it confuses Merkins, so I suppose I need an explanation for this picture.

Evar’s right hand flashed to his pocket. The Chief Inspector flinched and turned pale as Evar brandished the ASBO under his nose.

The Chief Inspector considered the situation. He looked at the court order, then at Evar, then at Yvette and then the door before looking again at the order which he had issued not two weeks before when he heard that Evar was going into training to break the world sprout eating record.

The Chief Inspector made a dash for the door.

Yvette may have made a move to intercept. Or her resolve may have broke and she made her move on the buffet. I’m not at all sure as events became a bit of a blur once Yvette jumped onto the buffet table. The trestle table acted like a catapult. The brandy butter arched towards the fireplace

When the brandy butter got closer to the log fire there was a “WHOOMF”. The sweet yellow mass hit the nativity scene like napalm. Both Sid and Mattress Madge rushed towards their beloved figures but they were consumed in the flambé.

So you’ll have to understand that I have had no chance to respond to frivolous tags – what with trying to convince Sid that things could be worse. After all his entire collection of Barbies had been transformed into hairy Frisbees. At least Mattress Madge’s Action Men figures had the training to jump clear, drop and roll – most of them seem to be barely singed.

As soon as the Chief Inspector extricated himself from his hiding place, he issued a warrant for Yvette and Evar. He has little hope. They disguised themselves as Mexicans and fled to Germany, well, hopefully to Germany, it all depends if the satnav is fixed.

Oh and if anyone does get the idea that I might find a tag fun, all I can say is “Hurrumph! Bah! Humbug!!.”

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: In most cases, the chocolate decorations on a Christmas tree mysteriously vanish in the run up to Christmas. Not in the ‘Rat & Ferret’. Being so close to the fire, chocolate ornaments tend to buckle and deform in the heat. The chocolate angels soon resemble silver gargoyles and Zoltan, the pub guard dog, feasts on little puddles of chocolate under the tree that was once chocolate money. Click to return

NOTE 2: Some years back the queue was over a mile and a half long, but that was due to some prankster telling people that Sid had a supply of Thunderbirds action figures. Click to return

NOTE 3: The Chief Inspector has 4 medals, The Duke of Edinburgh bronze award, elementary life saving, the long service medal and the cycling proficiency badge. Apparently, all of medals for valour were away at the cleaners. Click to return

NOTE 4: This in itself should have been a warning. For Yvette to be in a room with a buffet and be glaring at anything other than the buffet was highly unusual. In hindsight we should have ejected her and bolted the door. The trouble is that it is very easy to have 20/20 hindsight. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Trivia ; Life ; Comedy; News; News;Evar.

Scattering of Errors

One lump or two?

My last blog seemed to be full of horrible little errors and miscalculations. My HTML went horribly awry and one rather critical sentence seemed to get missed out altogether. It is at times like this that I wish I could blame the falling over water – but in this instance I can’t. (Note 1) I hadn’t even attempted a temporary reality re-adjustment by means of Dried Frog pills or any of the Nightswerve range of fine ales. If my rather inept update yesterday has caused you any inconvenience, then I am truly sorry.

All of my expectant yeomen will be pleased to know that I have now corrected all the errors and inserted the missing sentence which will hopefully mean that the Twelve Days of Christmas shenanigans will make some sort of sense! (Note 2).

The particular synaptic tangent in question was an attempt to assist you in your quest for the present for the men in your life who have everything. This was my attempt to bring a look of pure joy to the face of a male in public (and hence prove Charlie wrong in his belief that males refrain from outpourings of glee in public). The present in question was this tasteful addition to your ablutions. However, according to the product reviews at least, they are likely to prove fun for all the family – even Great Aunt Maud.

I’ve had a grin on my face myself over the last couple of days (No, I have yet to receive any communications satisfying my inner voyeur during this particular spell of interestingness – although there was an offer, it never materialised *sigh*). By now you should all be aware of my fondness of the works of Terry Pratchett. Whoops, silly me! Another incorrect link slipped in. (Note 3) Here, try this one.

The grin has come about because I have had the absolute pleasure of watching the adaptation of his book, Hogfather on TV. I enjoyed this so much that it doesn’t stick in my throat to congratulate Sky (part of the evil Murdoch Empire)!

The adaptation stayed true to the book, was well acted and above all retained all of the satire and philosophical elements of the book that makes it such a favourite of mine. In fact I enjoyed it so much, I’m even prepared to give out the link to the Hogfather website on Sky.

The really good news is that there will be DVD release of the movie around Easter of 2007 for those of you who don’t have access to Sky or have more principles than I and refuse to subscribe. (Note 4)

This photograph was posted in my last blog. On the surface it appears to be a rather glorious sunrise, but there is something a little more to it than that. Something that Sean felt needed a little more explanation. It was taken on one of my occasional business trips to Ipswich - a town in the news for all the wrong reasons (and a parallel to Sean's blog entry about Oregon only getting into the news for the wrong reasons).

The town of Ipswich has fallen under the dark cloud of fear brought about by the discovery that a Serial Killer is loose in the town. Since 15th November, five women have been found murdered. This is unusual because such a high rate of murders is usually something you only see in TV drama and detective fiction as in real life there is often gaps of months or even years between the killings. I suppose it is because it is so unusual that there is such an incredibly high level of media interest - which only serves to increase the level of fear.

My photograph was taken near the Portman Road and Sir Alf Ramsey way. The flood light gantry in the photograph is from the Portman Road ground of Ipswich FC. The significance of the location becomes apparent when you look at the key locations relating to the murders.

I have some deep reservations about the way that the media have chosen to cover this story. My concerns are not new, my disquiet over the way that the news media operates have been voiced before. However, with this story, I have a specific complaint that the media is treating the victims as some kind of lesser beings because of their circumstances. Whatever the rights and wrongs of their lifestyle - they are the victims with the right to respect. They should therefore be described as young women first with their profession being treated as background rather than a rather degrading label to somehow imply that they share blame for their fate.

Given the season, we should remember that all of the women have families who will be grieving. I pass on my sympathies to those families and hope that they are remembered not as another example of how drugs destroy lives but for the positive contribution they made by living.

Well, my fine yeomen, that rather destroyed the 'joy' theme of the blog.

In a (possibly vain) attempt to rectify the situation I shall draw your attention to an article on the work of Susie Rea entitled "intimate strangers". When I came across this article, I was enthralled. It seemed such a simple thing to record the faces of the people you see every day and to scratch the surface to find out a little more about them (if you haven't already it is well worth opening the series of pictures linked to in article). It serves to highlight that life isn't as bad as the newspapers and television would have us believe and that there is good news that can be reported.

It also got me thinking about how blogging is probably this in reverse. We all put a little bit of ourselves and our lives into our blogs and we put them out there for anybody to read. Some of us even put photographs of ourselves so that our loyal yeomen readers can identify the person responsible. (Note 5) Yet with all of these blogs I get the feeling that there are many who have seen my image and have been party to the sparse secrets I share who have never made themselves known to me.

So, if you are reading these words, please spare a minute to leave a comment saying 'Hi'. If you are ever unfortunate enough to see me out and about, please feel free to say it in person. It might just make the whole experience that little bit more intimate and joyous.

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: As my regular yeomen will know, hardly a drop of the falling down water touches my lips. I haven’t exactly signed the pledge, but I find that by drinking in such a way as to avoid the lips drastically reduces the danger of spillage. Besides, when drinking Nightswerve’s Velvet Cudgel if it touches the lips there is the risk of blistering. Click to return

NOTE 2: Although I have to admit to severe disappointment with the Yahoo 360 upgrade here. I had hoped that it would now support the opening of links in new windows – but sadly it doesn’t. I have had to fall back on the old faithful of asking my resourceful yeomen to hold down the Ctrl key as they click and just hope that their browsers support such an underhand move! Click to return

NOTE 3: I blame Mattress Madge for that one. Just as I was seeking out the link, she decided to start her new fitness regime by doing star jumps. Very distracting and very ill advised. Now the poor girl is going to spend Christmas with two black eyes. Click to return

NOTE 4: Which does seem to be the strangest timing for the thing. Mind you if it is also being released in the US, then it would seem to be part revenge for having to endure the Christmas Specials of US imports in the heat of summer. Although perhaps the marketing Men will rename it “Soul Cake Duck” to make the timing more appropriate. Click to return

NOTE 5: Although I have yet to have anyone come up to me and ask why an agoraphobic journeyman would be out or even admit to reading this stuff. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Trivia ; Life ; News; Comedy ; red1hols.

Seasonal Water Shortage

I suppose I should start making the occasional nod towards the season.

I wish to throw myself upon the mercy of my good yeomen and make a staggering admission. I cannot spell. I’m thankful for the spellcheckers included on computers because without them I doubt any of you would understand a word of my ramblings. (Note 1) All of this means that I am not particularly good at noticing poor spelling from others. I can meander along in almost blissful ignorance of poor spelling from others.

Yet last night even I spotted an absolute howler! On the BBC no less! Songs of Praise last night broadcast a candle lit carol service. There is nothing like belting out a few carols to put you in the mood for Christmas and to start to build the appetite for numerous different turkey dishes.

If, like me, you find yourself in the mood for a few Karaoke carols, turn up the speakers on your PC and CLICK HERE for one of the very best. (Note 2) The nice man at the BBC (the very nice man, the very, very nice man), knowing that tens of thousands of people are sat at home singing along to the carols – provides subtitles. I was doing my bit, but suddenly collapsed into a quivering, giggling heap when the lyric was shown as :-

”Nowell, Nowell, Nowell, Nowell, Born is the King of Israel.”

It looks like global warming is impacting on Christmas. Oh, and if you are wondering, I got red squiggles under Nowell but Noel passed the spellchecker.

Ctrl+CLICK HERE

Now there is a challenge for the Yahoo 360 update. If I got that right you should have a little music to get you in the mood for a little retail retaliation.

If you have a man in your life who has everything or, if you come from Bishop Auckland, maybe I can offer up a suggestion to aid you on your Christmas shopping? Perhaps I can offer up this tasteful delight. (Note 3).

And finally, Cyril, I should not leave you to go on your merry way without providing you with the answer to yesterday’s homework. I’m not exactly sure that I should – after all there wasn’t what you call a flood of completed answers on my desk this morning. At least Patterson Minor had the courtesy to come up with an excuse, but not a particularly good one given that the digestive tract of the Hebridean Salamander just couldn’t cope with a whole exercise book.

You already know that that sweet old lady shown above is Commander Grace Hopper of the US Navy. She is affectionately known as the “mother” of COBOL - the most widely used programming language on computer mainframes. The article is well worth a read.

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: My reliance on the spell checker is such that I write all of my blogs (HTML tags and all) in Word before I copy them to Yahoo or my mirrorblog. When I first started doing this, I thought the red squiggly underlining was something to do with someone leaving the crayons lying about and the stupid paperclip getting bored and doodling all over the page. Click to return

NOTE 2: I just love the way that people insist on portraying Polar Bears as lovely cuddly little beasts. These animals are classified as man’s only predator. Although that little gif shows them smiling and skating around the curvaceous figure skater, in real life she would very quickly become Christmas Dinner for the bears. And if you think that I am being morbid and spoiling the spirit of Christmas then CLICK HERE. Click to return

NOTE 3: Struggling with that Bishop Auckland comment? Allow me to put you out of the misery and direct you to the reviews section for that marvel of modern consumerism. I only hope that Kelly’s boyfriend realises what he is letting himself in for and is taking the vitamin tablets. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Trivia ; Life ; News; BBC ; red1hols.

Five and a half million cannot be wrong.

Conveniently situated near to Heathrow airport.

My fair minded yeomen, there are some topics that are just guaranteed to get the blood pressure rising. Prepare yourself, this is going to be one of those posts.

To say that immigration is a touchy topic is one of those wonderful understatements. It’s like saying that World War II was a minor disagreement or that Pele could kick a ball. (Note 1)

I suppose us Brits like understatement. It allows us to make a grudging nod towards reality while allowing us to live within our chosen realities undisturbed.

And, as if by magic, I start to stereotype and define ‘Britishness’. I’m not alone, it seems to have become an obsession of our politicians. It seems that wherever you turn, someone is trying to define what makes us British. Tony Blair believes "When it comes to our essential values - belief in democracy, the rule of law, tolerance, equal treatment for all, respect for this country and its shared heritage - then that is where we come together, it is what we hold in common.".

Noble words?

Maybe, but when you look to the general public, the majority seem to believe that we will be better served by curtailing or even stopping immigration into Britain. David Cameron, the Tory leader espouses immigration controls. href="#Note2h" class="">(Note 2)

There appears to be this belief that it is us Brits that are being so very reasonable about the whole debate and that it is others that refuse to understand our position and to engage in our view of a Multicultural Britain.

Perhaps I am in a very, very small minority who saw a fly fall into the very expensive ointment yesterday.

The troublesome insect came in the form of a survey that suggested that five and a half million people born in Britain now live abroad.

There seems to be a paradox here. While it seems that as a nation we are against immigration into the UK, yet we seem to believe that it is OK for us to up sticks and move abroad. I’m not sure, but am I the only one who finds this a rather hypocritical view?

My sturdy yeomen, I’m Banishing the synaptic tangent to a footnote. href="#Note3h" class="">(Note 3) I would much rather highlight an article I heard on the radio when they were discussing this survey.

A reporter found himself in a town in the South of Spain that had become a haven for British expats. After various discussions over the benefits enjoyed by the Brits who had made their home in the town, the reporter sought out some Spaniards to get there view on this ‘friendly invasion’. He couldn’t find any in the town.

He eventually found some in a neighbouring town. They complained that the expats didn’t learn Spanish, didn’t integrate into society and didn’t embrace the Spanish culture and way of life.

Well what do you know? Exactly the same complaints being levelled at immigrants at home! Do you reckon that it could be that us Brits might be required to change our attitudes just as much as those immigrants that politicians love to berate?

If we are not worried enough about global warming, a report out today highlights the fact that the ice in the Arctic Ocean is rapidly melting. This is one of the climatic events that is seen as a tipping point in the changes to our planet’s weather patterns and likely to have a huge impact on our future.

The really depressing part of this story is that it is probably now far too late to be able to reverse the trend and to save the ice and the Arctic environment.

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Of course this is just a lame excuse to roll out the urban legend of the famed Hollywood Producer who in response to an audition tape said “He can’t sing, can’t act, can dance a little.” So it was that RKO Pictures decided to turn down Fred Astaire. That’s the trouble when you are asked to voice an opinion, if it turns to be different from the vast majority – you become a figure of ridicule. Still, I’ll take my chances. Click to return

NOTE 2: He is not alone. The Labour Party have been applying immigration controls ever since they came to power. Picking out a speech by ‘Dave’ isn’t my attempt to highlight the fact that he just loves to make speeches that play well to the cheap seats (although that does seem to be his favoured method of campaigning), but just an example I plucked from the numerous available that shows the mindset within the country. Click to return

NOTE 3: While Marmite is a sought after delicacy amongst British ex-pats, the inclusion of this photograph is just a flimsy excuse to link to Rii’s discussion on an unusual art form. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Trivia ; Life ; News; Environment ; red1hols.

Now you see it - Now you don't

The perils of Google Image Searching.

Well. My fine yeomen, I have been rather remiss the last couple of weeks. Not only have I not been updating my own blog, but I have not been checking out all of your wonderful entries. I have not even been checking out my messages – which is very naughty of me I know. Hopefully, I will go a little way to rectifying all of that today.

It is not that I haven’t been at my scribblings. The last month or so has seen me doing a lot of scribbling. The thing is that my creative juices have been channelled towards writing consultancy reports. Some may consider these dry and boring, but they put food on the table and quite often require a lot more imagination and creativity than you may realise.

There again, it could be that I need to keep my hand in at this blogging lark. The germ of an idea was in my head and I decided to search out an appropriate opening picture. The result is above. That, for those puzzled yeomen who don’t know, is David Copperfield. (Note 1)

While I may not have got back into the swing of picking the best images, the synaptic tangents seem remarkably intact – and boy, doesn’t David Copperfield give you a lot of scope for synaptic tangents?

I could go whizzing off on a political angle, linking one of Mr. Copperfields famous illusions, the disappearing of the Statue of Liberty, with the current state of American politics. If I really wanted to, I might launch into a sermon and make it into a complex metaphor. (Note 2)

I could spin away along the popularist, cult of celebrity route. A route I have to mention as an excuse to include a picture of Claudia Schiffer. It seems that even Wikipedia speculates on the apparent engagement between Mr. Copperfield and Ms. Schiffer. (Note 3)

For all of the opportunities, to go off on some wild, cerebral, white knuckle ride, the picture has to be set aside. For I was searching for a picture to illustrate this quote -

”Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery.”

The better read and the intuitive amongst the prod phalanx of my yeomen will have already worked out the source of the quote. It is from David Copperfield by Charles Dickens.(Note 4)

The quotation came to mind when I read this news story. A group of scientists have calculated that in 40 years or so, our consumption of the world’s resources will result in a major collapse of ecosystems. More importantly, the lifestyles we enjoy in the UK would require three planets if it was enjoyed by everyone on the globe.

There have been an absolute flood of environmental stories over the last month or so. The latest being a warning of the economic impacts of what we are doing to the environment.

I wonder when we will start to get it into our thick heads that unless we start living within our environmental means we are heading for misery?

Not wanting to end on a pessimistic note, I will hand out a few congratulations to a few loyal yeomen. It seems that while I have been writing about “Single Touch Processes”, those people at Yahoo have gone and got their sewing kit out. It seems that NikkiD and Mitch Rhave been ambushed and had the “interesting” label sewn into her UK & Ireland underwear. Meanwhile, across the pond, Delectable Pet suffered the same fate in her Canadian undergarments. Plus, an occasional visitor, Claudia also seems to have been caught out.

Congratulations to you all!

If you find that “interesting” label a touch on the itchy side or perhaps that it brings you out in a rash – Fear Not! It seems that those nice men at Yahoo (Those very nice men, very, very nice men) have set up a Support Group.

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Well, the search result said it was David Copperfield so I’m not going to argue. The photograph reminds me of someone though. If add a little bit of stubble, don’t you think that he reminds you of the interesting champion blogger, Marcus? Click to return

NOTE 2 : Or I could be really, really nasty and just give you a spoiler that takes away your childish wonder and innocence by telling you how the illusion was performed. For those of you who wish to maintain your childish wonder and innocence, I suggest you click here instead. Although my own theory is that he wore a frock coat with extra baggy sleeves. Click to return

NOTE 3: I admit that somehow this whole story passed me by. I cannot find a reputable link or anything to validate the truth, but I really appreciate the irony that both parties involved felt the need to issue a rebuttal to the tabloids claiming they DID have sex. That must be a first.Click to return

NOTE 4: Although Dickens would feature with at least two books on my ‘100 Books to read before you die’ list, David Copperfield wouldn’t really be one of them. I think I would rather see Great Expectations and Nicholas Nickleby on the list. Although I must admit that my choices are constantly changing.Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Claudia Schiffer ; Life ; News ; Comedy ; Environment ; red1hols.

Digging for a Smile

Keeping up the public image.

Good yeomen, is it me, or is there no lighter side to the news coverage at the moment?

For the last few weeks, I’ve found news coverage to be either depressing or bland. Normally, when I’m seeking inspiration for my blog entries, I can always rely on borrowing something from news coverage. Normally, it isn’t too difficult to find something that is either interesting or amusing.

Maybe it is time to start counting down to my holiday. That will be 26 days away then. Yes, in less than four weeks, I will be in the Caribbean and generally doing very little except topping up my tan and my sense of humour. (Note 1)

Maybe, I should be spending more time in my third place.

I never realised that I had a third place until today. It is a discovery that I indirectly owe to Howard Schultz. Mr. Schultz does not draw cute cartoons of dogs. Well, to my knowledge, he doesn’t draw cute cartoons of dogs. He is the chairman of Starbucks. (Note 2)

According to Tim Egan, in an article about Seattle Billionaires, Mr. Schultz realised that most cities lacked this ‘Third Place’ is the oasis that we all need between home and the office. (Note 3)

I must have missed something. Visiting Starbucks never strikes me as a pleasurable experience. You join the queue at the door, shuffle forward to be served by a young girl who is intent on dismissing you as quickly as she can. You then mill around for a couple of minutes waiting to be handed your order by some spotty faced oik who refuses to make eye contact before you rejoin the herds of commuters.

In saying that, the idea of a ‘Third Place’ is appealing. Perhaps that ‘Third Place’ is the online world; a place where you can escape all of the doom and gloom journalists and their permanently depressed editors.

If any of you are virtual residents of Second Life are in for a big shock. Doom and gloom journalists and their permanently depressed editors are moving in.

Oh well, it looks like all the news sites seem to be depressing. It looks like there isn’t a single piece of interesting or silly news to be had anywhere.

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: The really worrying thing is that all this depressing news is beginning to rub off. As soon as I wrote about my upcoming holiday, a horrible little thought crept into my skull. I found myself doing a quick check on the hurricane season – and what do you know, it doesn’t end until the 30th November! Yes, I need a holiday. Click to return

NOTE 2 : And according to that Wikipedia entry, a significant stakeholder in the intriguingly named ‘Jamba Juice’. The word ‘Jamba’ sparked off all sorts of synaptic tangents. Perhaps it is my mood, but none of them seemed that positive – almost to the point of deciding that by rights this should be a branding disaster. Jamba is associated with the Far Right militia of the Angolan Civil War. It is also the name of the company that produced that annoying ‘Crazy Frog’ mobile phone ring tone. The Jamba company is now part of the Murdoch evil empire (Yet another plague to lay at his door). Click to return

NOTE 3: Mr Schultz suggests that this is a role that used to be filled by the British Pub. Perhaps that is where I’m going wrong. I should be visiting the pub on the way to work and having a few pints before facing the rigours of the day (although in 26 days time I may choose to start my day with a few glasses of rum punch).

In the same article, I learned that London and Seattle share weather. I guess London has it every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday, while Seattle has it Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays while they have alternate Sundays. There is probably a formal custody agreement to cover holidays and such. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Trivia ; Life ; News ; Comedy ; red1hols.