Christmas Greetings from Holder Grange!

It hardly seems possible that another year has flown past and it is time to provide the less fortunate of the world with another update from Holder Grange.

As I sit at my desk, looking over the expanse of sparkling snow on the front lawns, I’m tempted to describe 2009 as the ‘year of cheese’.

It all started with a terrible misunderstanding involving our number one daughter, a private party, several leading figures from the international professional domino circuit, a prominent peer and an undercover journalist. The Babycham had been flowing, the guests were all consenting adults and it was all very harmless fun, but the resulting publicity from an obviously doctored photograph, caused poor Veronica to flee London and return to the family home.

Being the overly sensitive soul that she is, she rescued the goats at the party and housed them in the paddock. We also have a shed full of autographed table tennis bats that will go on e-bay next year.

In these harsh economic times, I told her that I wasn’t going to have any freeloading goats on my property and that she needed to find a way of making them pay their way. So, the enterprising Veronica decided to enter the cheese making profession.

The whole family soon discovered the joys of rennet and curdling. Veronica has become quite a celebrity on the specialist foody circuit and has been appearing on a late night specialist cable TV channel sharing views on extreme enzyme action to the world.

The wife was rather down after her personal trainer had a breakdown earlier in the year. The man suddenly declared he couldn’t take the stress and between fits of sobs, vowed a life of celibacy under holy orders. The cheese business seemed to provide the perfect tonic with her taking over responsibility for the marketing. She has hired Miguel, an ex-professional tri-athlete and together they travel all over Europe extolling the health giving properties of our cheese.

They are often away for weeks at a time, before returning exhausted, but fulfilled to the dairy.

Number one son has also become involved. After last year’s problem with exotic herbs, the farcical miscarriage of justice and his spell at Her Majesty’s pleasure, he found himself a job at a large Merchant Bank. However, he gave that up declaring that ‘he couldn’t lower his morals to that degree no matter how much it paid’.

He also returned to the Grange and as Veronica’s Cheese business took off, made it his job to supply exotic milks to expand the product range, helped in no small part by the contacts of his Lithuanian girlfriend. Hardly a night goes past without a tatty van appearing at the back door of the diary and a couple of Eastern European types unloading vats of Llama milk, Reindeer milk or Zebra milk powder. No matter how many times I tell them that the powdered Zebra milk is no use for cheese making, they still bring it, so my son has to sell it on in London.

My number one daughter introduced my son to his now girlfriend, a rather statuesque and pneumatically enhanced Lithuanian who will be with us for the Christmas period. Her job as a provider of specialist party services is particularly tiring. My son says that she needs to drop out of the scene for a while after a particularly busy Christmas Party season and some problems at the party of a major Tory party donor. It will also give some time for the carpet burns to heal.

Sadly, number two daughter will not be home for Christmas. Having decided that she needed a different outlet for her musical genius, she has given up the Cello and the Conservatoire; instead she now plays for an all girl musical combo who specialise in Thrash Metal Country music. At the moment they are touring clubs in Amsterdam and Germany in a converted military ambulance. This is because they all have numerous bodily adornments that play merry hell with airport security scanners.

Just how they will cope when they fly out to Las Vegas in the New Year to play a club just off the strip I don’t know. At this point, I had hoped to include a link to her bands website, but it seems to have been hacked, all the views of the band are obscured by girls in various states of undress who, struggling to remain upright, hang onto poles.

Anyway, I think it is time for me to wrap up. The wife and Miguel have just arrived back from the Venice International Cheese Festival. Poor Miguel looks absolutely shattered and my wife is having to help him out of the car and back to the house. That man gives his all on these trips, but my wife always returns in a better mood because of it which helps my nerves and protects my cellar.

All that remains is for me to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a very happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. I trust that 2010 makes nonsense of your fears and a reality of your dreams.

Poking a Grumpy Lion With a Pointy Stick

May the Force Be With You!

Well, good yeomen, last night somebody tinkered with the clocks. So now we are running on British Summer Time which is a hour ahead of good old GMT. (Note 1) So it is that I – and so many others – will spend the next couple of days wandering around a touch grumpy having lost a precious hours sleep.

Yet it is now truly Spring! You would expect that we would all be bouncing around like the young lambs in the fresh green pastures. But no, we will all spend the next week grumbling about sleep deprivation and making statements like ‘Yesterday I was still in bed at this time’.

Perhaps we should have the same approach as Iran. They are currently celebrating the festival of Norouz. Nourez is a major holiday in the country.

I’ve always had an interest in Iran. It has an amazing history and cultural legacy. Yet here in the West, we tend to view it with a little bit of suspicion. I’ve always tried to take an informed view on the stories, but perhaps it is the changes to the clocks, but even I am beginning to wonder if the Iranian leadership is trying to goad the West into war.

In my rather grumpy mood, I am getting rather fed up with Iran’s take on what constitutes diplomatic endeavours. We have had the Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad call for Israel to be wiped off the face of the map and to deny the Holocaust under the Nazis in Europe. We have seen Iran actively support groups that employ terrorism. There have also been suggestions that Iran is supporting the insurgents in Iraq. (Note 2)

We have also had the rather long running dispute over Iran’s Nuclear program, particularly their enriching of Uranium and their refusal to allow Nuclear inspections by the UN. An issue that stems from Iran running an enrichment program in secret in contravention of international treaties and then taking an uncompromising line once found out.

All of which leads us to question whether the international community can trust Iran. Just how far is Iran prepared to go to?

Despite it being a public holiday in Iran, in a piece of miraculous timing, the Iranian Republican Guard had ships at work in Shatt al-Arab waterway. Just as the UN were about to vote on sanctions against Iran because of their Nuclear program, the Iranian Republican Guard seized fifteen British sailors on anti-smuggling operations in Iraqi national waters. (Note 3).

In this grumpy, sleep deprived state of mine, it is beginning to look like the Iranian Government believes that it can just do whatever it likes, whenever it likes without any regard to any other international body or government. That Iran doesn’t negotiate or discuss on issues and is just out to goad the rest of the world.

Without trust and without dialogue and compromise there seems to be limited ways you are able to deal with Iran.

Take care, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, you cannot go on poking a grump lion with a pointy stick forever without getting a reaction.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: My body clock seems more in tune with British Summer Time. I like getting up early and the simple temporal shift of the clocks means that I get up at an hour that people are less likely to view as weird. The thing is, that in the summer months the early morning is a truly wonderful time. There is nothing quite like watching the sun come up on a late spring day – and the moving of the clocks forward means this treat is more accessible to all. One of the great pleasures I remember from working shifts was going outside for a ciggie in mid-summer and watching the sun creep over the horizon. Given that the horizon was actually the local abattoir you would have thought the magic would be lost – but no, it always gave me a real lift even if I was barely half way into my shift. Click to return

NOTE 2: In the interests of balance, I should point out that both the US, UK, China, Russia and others have been known to support the appropriate Left Wing or Right Wing Freedom Fighter / Rebel Group in the past too. Then we have the whole issue over the Iraq War and the invasion of Iraq by the US and the UK – so perhaps we are in a position of weakness when discussing the supporting of terrorists. Click to return

NOTE 3: I’m inclined to believe this because the patrols would be equipped with GPS and this isn’t the first time that Iran has pulled this trick. When they did this in 2004 the GPS systems later proved that they had never strayed out of Iraqi waters – as confirmed by Sir Alan West in this interview. It is also suggested that the Revolutionary guard used to make a good living out of smuggling before the British Naval patrols. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ; Iran ;News ;Norouz; BST ; UN; Dracula.

Portraying the Kicked Canine

How the other half live.

I have a confession to make, my fair-minded yeomen. I have never read "Brideshead Revisited" by Evelyn Waugh. I cannot recall the television series when it was originally broadcast way back in 1981.(Note 1)

Despite Brideshead Revisited making Time Magazine's all-time greatest novels list and the British Film Institute's 100 Greatest Television Programmes, until today I didn't realise how the two main characters met. (Note 2)

The character of Lord Sebastian Flyte came from a wealthy and privileged background and in the TV series, was portrayed wearing the garb of the Bullingdon Club when he introduced himself in his rather unique and unconventional style to Charles Ryder.

I was surprised to discover that the Bullingdon Club survives to this day at Oxford. According to the Wikipedia entry, it is famed for its members' wealth and destructive binges. However, that fame had failed to impress itself on my consciousness, despite exploits occasionally finding their way into the media. (Note 3)

I'm pretty sure that most undergraduates, independent of university and means tend to indulge themselves to excess from time to time. Only it isn't quite so newsworthy when the students are at a 'lesser' university and from a less privileged background. It all goes to show that us Brits are still hung up over the class thing and tend to jerk knees when presented with such things.

The picture above is an 'artists impression' of a photograph that seems to have been mysteriously withdrawn by the copyright owners, Gillman and Soame (Note 4). Apparently, this has nothing to do with rumours that the Labour Party planned to use it in an election poster. Sadly for David Cameron and the Conservative Party, the BBC Newsnight program decided to let the cat out of the bag.

Interestingly, David Cameron isn't the only current Conservative high profile politician who, in those precious moments between studies, let of steam with the Bullingdon Dining Club. Apparently, Boris Johnson was also a member. I'll leave you to decide if images like this are going to play a bigger part in any election than the discussion of policy, but I think you can guess my cynical view.

In the interests of political balance (and to be fair to the BBC they wrote a story about this photo too), I post the above picture of our current Prime Minister showing an equally unflattering pose. (Note 5)

For the more astute yeomen among my readership, I better point out that I do realise that it could be argued that I am perpetuating the current political trend towards image over substance.

I did consider that when I started out on the blog entry. Yet in the end, I couldn’t help but think that if someone from a council estate belonged to a gang which trashed each others houses and the local pub, they would be called a thug and there would be a baying (especially amongst Conservatives) that they be locked up and the key conveniently lost – even if it couldn’t be proved that he was actually involved in the mayhem. Besides, the way that the photograph became conveniently ‘unavailable’ smacks of cover up.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Way back in 1981 I had much better things to do than watch television. Well, that’s what I like to think. There I was a young, virile male in my early twenties – so life offered up a huge variety of temptations that would keep me away from the TV set. Yet, if I was honest, I probably decided that I wasn't prepared to watch a bunch of upper class twits poncing about and vegetated on the sofa as some alternative 'chewing gum for the mind' washed over me. Click to return

NOTE 2: For those of you who really need to know, Charles Ryder met Lord Sebastian Flyte when Sebastian vomited through an open window into Charle's room at Oxford University. Not having had the benefit of attending Oxford University, I would look upon this as a huge plot hole. I suppose this goes to prove I'm an uneducated peasant. Click to return

NOTE 3: Of course, I should find the whole idea of such excesses to be totally immoral. I should take the view that any student lucky enough to find themselves at Oxford University should realise how lucky they are and spend their entire time studying. However, I have to admit that when I was that age, I would have enjoyed such a lifestyle given half a chance. Click to return

NOTE 4: I've noticed there has been a trend towards publishing old school photographs amongst those on my friends list. For those of us who are steadfastly refusing to join in it is encouraging to know that it is possible to persuade our old school photographer from being persuaded to do so on our behalf. Click to return

NOTE 5: Sadly, I was unable to find a picture of Sir Menzies Campbell from his university days. It could be that back in those days photography was in its infancy and photographs tended to be formal portraits. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : David Cameron ; Tony Blair ;Politics ; Bullingdon ; Oxford; Boris Johnson.

Another Turn With the Scratchy Label

The interesting label remains firmly sewn into my underwear.

I felt it was only fair of me to refrain from showing images of my underwear to my partying yeomen until after the holidays. (Note 1). If you look closely at the picture, you will see that the ‘interesting’ label sewn in by the Yahoo Editorial team during the Christmas party remains.

Perhaps I am wiser or maybe I became hardened to it all during my first spell, but the label does not seem as scratchy this stint.

More likely is that this stint in the spotlight has brought people from across the globe to my page and has given me the opportunity to glimpse their pages. One major surprise has been the visitors from Iran.

This poses me a bit of a problem. Apart from my ignorance of the country that is. Alieh quite rightly got upset with me when I incorrectly described her language as Arabic rather than Farsi and surprised me rather by describing herself as a Persian girl rather than Iranian. (Note 2).

It’s particularly frustrating that even though the Farsi script of Alieh looks absolutely marvellous on the screen – I cannot read or understand a word of it. While Alieh’s English is impeccable – I cannot find a tool that will translate her page (or that of Ademizad) into English. Is there a yeoman out there who knows a way?

The biggest surprise though was that they could actually read my blog. I’d always thought that Iran strictly controlled access to the internet. Indeed, it is one of the countries cited by the University of Toronto ’Hacktivists’ as being a victim of censorship.

Alieh asked me what I thought about the execution of Saddam Hussein. (Note 3). The answer is that it was wrong on so many levels.

In the UK we do not have the death penalty for any offence. The idea that the taking of a life can be justified because of due process or because you hold a position of power is morally wrong. When you are judging a murderer and you elect to terminate their life you are in fact lowering yourself to their level.

The trial, Iraq’s attempt at showing due process did not come across as being a fair trial. It seemed to me that the whole thing was some form of tribal revenge.

The timing of the execution so that it coincided with an Islamic holy festival was wrong. The execution itself was a sick farce and the different films being circulated show lack of any dignity, organisation or discipline amongst the Iraqi government.

The lack of any condemnation from our own government worries me. Margaret Beckett, the Foreign Secretary didn’t really reflect the official views on the death penalty. I wonder if anyone in the UK Government actually spoke to the Iraqi authorities in an attempt to put the UK views across.

It should also be mentioned that there does seem to be this idea in the region that it is OK for governments to support groups in other countries who use violence to promote a political ideal in which they believe. This is another form of government sponsored murder. It always amazes me that the same governments then get upset when they are not accepted into the bosom of the international community.

On a lighter note, I would like to point out that I am available for product placements and free gifts. I am more than happy to review new operating systems, digital cameras, cars or even speedboats on this blog. (Note 4) Although I hope that such don’t lead to misunderstandings that require me to actually return the goods being reviewed.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Even now, I feel it would be very unfair to actually show pictures of me in my underwear. Those sorts of pictures are best pinned to the fridge door as a last ditch effort to kill the appetite and stem the nigh time munchies. None of my fine yeomen deserve such a picture. Yet there have been one or two visitors in the last month who seem to collect such pictures and go to prove there is nowt as weird as folk. Click to return

NOTE 2: Like so many good Brits, I call Ceylon, Sri Lanka and Rhodesia, Zimbabwe. I’ve always gone along with the idea that in the bad old days of empire, the Brits turned up at a place and struggled with the local name so they simply chose a new name they could pronounce. I’m not sure when Persia became Iran or why, but I went along with the new name. I’d always sort of assumed that Iranians, like the former countries of empire, would look on being called Persian as something of an insult. It seems, not for the first time, I was wrong. Click to return

NOTE 3: She also suggested that I could be or at least look like a politician. Although I may have proved that I satisfy the criteria of ignorance, it does throw up a very interesting cultural difference. My love of face fur (a beard for non-native English speakers) almost precludes me from running in an election in the UK. Here, bearded men are looked on by some with suspicion. So in the UK at least, you will find that politicians go clean shaven. In the Middle East they can look beyond such things. Click to return

NOTE 4: Please don’t think that I am being mercenary here and only going for the big ticket items. I would review chocolate, but Charlie has already cornered the market. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Freebies accepted ; Iraq ;Comedy ; Life ; Capital Punnishment; red1hols.

Taking on a Springtime Tinge

A holiday essential it seems.

Well, my delicate yeomen, there are a few perks in being the nominated driver on New Year’s Eve. For a start my alarm clock had a gentle relaxing tick, tock, tick, tock. I dare say there are those of you out there who over indulged last night who found that the Oh God of hangovers has turned your normally mild mannered timepiece into a hammer and an anvil. Some will blame spiked drinks (Note 1), but I’ll have none of that. As a person who was so annoyingly good while the booze flowed freely – I insist on my opportunity to be incredibly smug.

Before you started on the falling over juice you should have drunk a pint of milk and before you went to bed you should have guzzled down a pint of water. And to polish off that lingering sensation of someone inserting red hot needles into your brain via your eyeballs you should try a couple of slices of toast and golden syrup (Note 2).

Another bonus is that my memory of the evening remains unimpaired and the photographs turned out well. (Note 3).

As midnight approached, the host, not trusting his wristwatch, turned on the TV to catch the countdown to the New Year. The TV was tuned to Jools Holland’s Hootennanny. We did the countdown, sung some song by an obscure dyslexic Scots poet and did the kissing and hugging thing – but the TV was left on.

In fact, I’m glad it was. There were two very memorable events on that show. One was a remarkable performance by Adrian Edmondson who sang a Jazz version of Anarchy in the UK by the Sex Pistols (Note 4).

The other was a performance by a guy called Seasick Steve. When you get five minutes you really must explore that site and listen to some of the music in the free downloads section. If his performance last night is anything to go on – the guy will be a star!

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Face facts, no matter how much you drank you would notrice if someone had placed that waste disposal that’s churning away in your stomach in your glass. Click to return

NOTE 2: According to some radio host stand in (the normal host being a guest on some New Year’s Eve TV show), this has been proved the best way to drive off a hangover. Personally, I find that flat coke and paracetamol works a treat. Sadly, I cannot find a link for either of these cures so you’ll just have to take my word for it. Click to return

NOTE 3: I’m not posting the actual photographs just yet – there is still plenty of time for those concerned to stuff a brown envelope with pretty coloured pictures of Her Majesty and maybe facilitate some over zealous deletion of particular images. Click to return

NOTE 4: Not only was the performance good – it was also funny. The whole thing was an absolute hoot which with more to drink could easily have led to a moist leg interlude. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Seasick Steve ; Punk Rock ;Comedy ; Life ; red1hols.

Synaptic Meanderings

From atop the wall.

I shall take all of my wonderful yeomen into my confidence. I have absolutely no idea where this blog entry will go today. I have a few news items to somehow weave into today’s rich tapestry, but nothing to link them together. There is a little bit of bluster and indignation to throw into the mix and a couple of photographs to tempt you with, but, well, I have to admit that I’ve got nothing to get your juices flowing.

There is always one Christmas present that you keep going back to. And it isn’t the cute Teddy Bear. The present in question will get many a mans interest tweaked. (Note 1) In the end it may not be much of a gift, but it certainly raised a few grins.

So in the end, the gift of a smile was given which can only be a good thing. Buying a new steam iron or an ironing board wouldn’t have achieved the same effect. Indeed I am sure that husbands across the globe who’ good intentions ended up at the local casualty department would have been grateful if the fine academics had been a little more timely in releasing their research. I’m sure that many a hubby would have been able to use that excuse to prevent the embarrassing wait in the local A&E to have the ironing board surgically removed.

It might be a little too late for those poor men clogging up all of the A&E departments across the land, but for those of you who get caught out with a less than romantic present and an irate partner approaching with intent in their eyes and ironing board in hand – You could fling the dice one last time by quoting this research. Although, to be honest, I don’t think it will help.

Well, I’m about out of time. In a very short while, I need to start getting all dressed up and ready to hit the New Years Eve party circuit.

All is left is for me to wish you all a very happy New Year and hope that 2007 brings you health and happiness. That the new year makes a reality of all your dreams and a nonsense of all your nightmares.

’HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!’

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: With the male trait of considering reading the instructions to be an admission of stupidity, the two spiky spheres cause the imagination to go off in all sorts of tangents (and on some of those journeys, tears come unbidden to the eyes). When the promise of the packaging eventually proves too much and you do read the instructions you are going to be very, very disappointed! Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : News ; Comedy ; Life ; red1hols.

Passing Round the Snaps.

A different view every morning.

Well, my bloated yeomen, let me share with you a family tradition. On Boxing Day, after over indulging on the cold turkey, pickles, pease pudding, ham, sausages, various salads, mashed potato and anything else unwise enough to be lurking in the fridge, we collapse in the comfy chairs. There tends to be a period of minimal movement until the digestive processes reach a fairly advanced stage and the turkey sandwiches and mince pies make an appearance.

Quite early on, someone produces a strange shaped bottle of lurid coloured liquid and invites us to sample something they discovered on their holidays. (Note 1) As the liqueur destroys any brain cells stupid enough to be out and about during the festive season, someone produces their holiday snaps.

So, gird up your loins bold yeomen. It is time for the next instalment of ’What I did on my holidays.’

The first proper full day of the holiday saw us arrive in St. Lucia. (Note 2)

We docked in Castries, the capital of St Lucia. The harbour is a real contrast to Barbados and certainly is smaller. It became a habit with me on the trip to go out on the balcony every morning and to take a few pictures. The ones below are of Castries harbour (as is the title photo).

It is difficult to describe in words the sheer scale of the cruise ship. One turn around the promenade deck is one third of a mile. The ship is twelve stories high from dock level (amazing how easily you get into the habit of discounting those below decks).

We spent our day in St. Lucia on a tour of the island. Our chosen mode of transport was a catamaran – and judging from those who took mini bus tours we made a very wise choice given the state of the roads and the terrain of the island. (Note 3). For a small portion of the tour we did transfer to mini bus so I am talking from experience here!

Our first stopping off point was Soufriere. The town itself is built on the floor of an active volcano and has some interesting links to the French Revolution and to Napoleon. However, the tourist industry isn’t that sophisticated yet and this wasn’t really explored by the guides. Soufriere was quite a contrast to Castries. As soon as we arrived we were pestered by young boys begging. They dived from the dock and swam out to our boat offering to dive for coins. Wherever we went we were followed around by peddlars who all sold the same jewellery at the same price. As I said, the St Lucia tourism industry is unsophisticated. (Note 4)

Transferring to mini bus, we had a guided tour of the drive in volcano (tipping very much encouraged) and the botanical gardens.

After the tour it was back to the boat. We headed off to a beach for a Cajun meal and a swim. Oh and all the while, the crew served up free rum punch. Not that we could take much advantage of this as the delays in arriving meant that the Captain’s Reception had been held over so when we returned to the ship I would need to squeeze myself into my penguin outfit.

On the way back to the cruise ship, the catamaran did a quick tour of MARIGOT bay. This only served to reinforce my view that the people who really benefit from tourism in St Lucia are the foreign hotel chains.

There are no pictures of me in my penguin attire or of the Captain’s Reception. So here endeth Day Three of what I did on my holidays. TO BE CONTINUED…

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: The really sad thing here is that the liquid is delivered with a strange haze rising off the glass. If you are unfortunate to get some on your skin, it goes a funny orange colour. It invariably tastes foul and reacts with one of the gherkins you ate earlier to produce the vilest wind. Yet the person with the bottle (and the one wearing the protective goggles and asbestos mittens) insists that it is an absolutely ‘wonderful’ concoction that the discovered in the most ‘delightful’ bar overlooking some church. They would have gone back, but they couldn’t remember their own names for 48 hours and when they did someone had moved the church. Click to return

NOTE 2 : I’m not going to recap why this was the first full day of the holiday. For those of my yeomen who don’t know, the reasons, they can be found HERE and HERE. Click to return

NOTE 3: I should point out that I have only included the small sized photographs from my Flickr account. Should you wish to see the larger pictures, simply click on the photographs and you will be magically transported! Well to Flickr if not St Lucia.Click to return

NOTE 4: The same cannot be said for foreign companies who have been quick to set up their brand of resorts on the island. There is one resort between the Piton mountains which is very exclusive charging thousands of dollars a night and importing white sand for its beach. There are no natural white sandy beaches on the island because of the active volcano which turns the sand gray. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : St Lucia ; Tourism ; Travel ; Soufriere ; Caribbean ; Arcadia ; red1hols.

Hurrumph and Good Cheer

A turkey dinner of sorts.

Fine yeomen, I’m afraid that I bring bad news. It seems that there is an expectation that I will respond to a ‘Tag’ and describe ten grocery essentials for any Christmas. Sadly, I’ve had very little time. I’m afraid I have been consoling Sid, the landlord of the ‘Rat & Ferret’ after one of the highlights of his year was reduced to a shambles.

One of the traditions of Christmas in the ‘Rat & Ferret’ is the annual seasonal message delivered by Chief Inspector McCrindle Barleymow Honeydew-Fforbes. Sid, the landlord, takes the honour of hosting the annual message very seriously. In the days running up to the event, he skulks around the local woodland to ensure the pub is full of pagan foliage. A large fir tree appears next to the fireplace and is soon creaking under the weight of cheap plastic tinsel, baubles and chocolate goodies. (Note 1) Christmas cards are strung across the ceiling along with colourful paper chains. There is even a little wooden stable with various Barbie dolls and Action Men figures dressed up to resemble a nativity scene (after about six pints if you have a very active imagination and squint through half closed eyes).

On the big night, Sid clears all the tables out of the lounge bar and brings in extra chairs from the function room. This year there was an additional buzz as Padstow had installed a camera to provide a podcast of the event.

Still not sure what picture one and picture two are all about?

The regulars enter into the spirit of things too. Long before the start a small and occasionally orderly queue starts to form. (Note 2) Expectant noses press against the window panes trying to catch a glimpse of the preparations through a crack in the curtains. Yet Sid remains deaf to the pleas for early access coming through the letter box. Everything has to be just right before he pulls back the heavy bolts and opens the front door.

Still not sure what picture one and picture two are all about?

Having pulled the mulled wine duty in the kitchen, not only did I get to watch the pneumatic Mattress Madge work her magic on the mince pies and brandy butter, but I was there when the Chief Inspector arrived resplendent in his full dress uniform complete with medals. (Note 3).

The Chief Inspector and Padstow consulted in one corner of the kitchen while Mattress Madge and I worked on the refreshments. While I was distracted, the Chief inspector took a pull from the Brandy bottle and pinched Mattress Madge on her well upholstered posterior. Neither of us said anything, putting his behaviour down to nerves.

Sid appeared in the doorway and gave a nervous cough. Mattress Madge and took the buffet through while Padstow touched up the Chief Inspectors make up.

The sight of the Chief Inspector taking his place at the lectern caused the room to fall silent. As the Chief Inspector opened his mouth to speak, the door opened to admit a latecomer, Yvette Munsderpiedder. Sid, Mattress Madge and myself instinctively moved to defend the buffet, but she went and sat down at the back of the room. The Chief Inspector ran a finger around the inside of his collar and gave a nervous cough.

Still not sure what picture one and picture two are all about? By now you should have got the clues so the fact that the second explanation isn’t really that helpful shouldn’t worry you.

Yvette sat at the back of the room and glared at the Chief Inspector. (Note 4) The Chief Inspector looked everywhere but at Yvette, cleared his throat and greeted his audience. His voice quivered slightly as he announced that his published topic, the success of the ASBO.

This is just too easy. I don’t know if I should give an explanation to this picture.

Like in a scene from a spaghetti western, the door burst open. Those nearest the door dived for cover. Long, spiny fingers of fog drifted through the open door. Padstow started to whistle.

After a suitably theatrical pause, Evar came through the door utilising his best John Wayne walk. Chairs tumbled as the audience scattered.

All of us had expected Evar to be back in the old country, but the fog at Heathrow had caused his flight to be cancelled.

Evar kicked chairs aside as he moved slowly towards the Chief Inspector. Padstow hastily moved the camera, but kept filming. Evar stared at the Chief Inspector. The Chief Inspector stared back at Evar, a muscle twitching at the corner of his left eye.

Perhaps it is a bit much to use brand names – it confuses Merkins, so I suppose I need an explanation for this picture.

Evar’s right hand flashed to his pocket. The Chief Inspector flinched and turned pale as Evar brandished the ASBO under his nose.

The Chief Inspector considered the situation. He looked at the court order, then at Evar, then at Yvette and then the door before looking again at the order which he had issued not two weeks before when he heard that Evar was going into training to break the world sprout eating record.

The Chief Inspector made a dash for the door.

Yvette may have made a move to intercept. Or her resolve may have broke and she made her move on the buffet. I’m not at all sure as events became a bit of a blur once Yvette jumped onto the buffet table. The trestle table acted like a catapult. The brandy butter arched towards the fireplace

When the brandy butter got closer to the log fire there was a “WHOOMF”. The sweet yellow mass hit the nativity scene like napalm. Both Sid and Mattress Madge rushed towards their beloved figures but they were consumed in the flambé.

So you’ll have to understand that I have had no chance to respond to frivolous tags – what with trying to convince Sid that things could be worse. After all his entire collection of Barbies had been transformed into hairy Frisbees. At least Mattress Madge’s Action Men figures had the training to jump clear, drop and roll – most of them seem to be barely singed.

As soon as the Chief Inspector extricated himself from his hiding place, he issued a warrant for Yvette and Evar. He has little hope. They disguised themselves as Mexicans and fled to Germany, well, hopefully to Germany, it all depends if the satnav is fixed.

Oh and if anyone does get the idea that I might find a tag fun, all I can say is “Hurrumph! Bah! Humbug!!.”

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: In most cases, the chocolate decorations on a Christmas tree mysteriously vanish in the run up to Christmas. Not in the ‘Rat & Ferret’. Being so close to the fire, chocolate ornaments tend to buckle and deform in the heat. The chocolate angels soon resemble silver gargoyles and Zoltan, the pub guard dog, feasts on little puddles of chocolate under the tree that was once chocolate money. Click to return

NOTE 2: Some years back the queue was over a mile and a half long, but that was due to some prankster telling people that Sid had a supply of Thunderbirds action figures. Click to return

NOTE 3: The Chief Inspector has 4 medals, The Duke of Edinburgh bronze award, elementary life saving, the long service medal and the cycling proficiency badge. Apparently, all of medals for valour were away at the cleaners. Click to return

NOTE 4: This in itself should have been a warning. For Yvette to be in a room with a buffet and be glaring at anything other than the buffet was highly unusual. In hindsight we should have ejected her and bolted the door. The trouble is that it is very easy to have 20/20 hindsight. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Trivia ; Life ; Comedy; News; News;Evar.