Grabbed by the Canonicals

The Long and the Short of it.

Forgive me my Canonical Yeomen, for I have sinned it has been forty-five days since I last posted an entry. Oh my! It doesn’t seem possible that I have somehow gone that long without actually posting anything.

It is not that I have a very good excuse. All I have done is change jobs (Note 1)and for some strange reason all of the opportunities to divert my rambunctious yeomen into alternative realities seem to have dried up. It doesn’t look particularly hopeful that I will be finding much time to wallow in my alternative reality for a while – but I will try to pop in, maybe post a short piece and visit a few of your pages. All I can say is that I am Sorry I haven’t been giving you all the attentions you deserve and even if I do resolve to do better, I’m not sure that I will find the time to do so.

While I have been away from you all, there have been numerous opportunities to get my synapses sparking and the old blog juices seeping from every pore.

There were the serious stories like that of Alan Johnston, who after 114 days of captivity was released by his kidnappers. (Note 2) Some of you may have noticed the little banner I have kept at the bottom of my blog as part of the massive international publicity campaign organised to try and secure his release.

There is probably an interesting debate about the benefits of publicity in kidnapping cases. At the moment five British men are being held in Iraq by kidnappers. They have had very little publicity and remain in captivity. Indeed when an Anglican Priest tried to intervene he was forced to flee Iraq.

So please, even though Alan Johnston is released, please remember that there are other hostages being held across the world.

While I was away, I missed the opportunity for a long and vociferous rant against caravans when the Caravan Club reached its centenary. Still, now that has reached 100 years old, perhaps they’ll all put there mobile tin cans away and give us our roads back. Either that, or be introduced to John Robert Patterson.

Also while I was away, we appear to have a new British Prime Minister. Young Tony Blair, did a flit in the middle of the night leaving the rent unpaid and no forwarding address. Luckily, Gordon was only next door and has offered to step in to the breach for while. (Note 3).

Oh well, I missed the chance I suppose. I shall just have to suck it up and wait for another chance to write about the topics.

In the meantime, you will have to forgive me as I have some bread to make. It wouldn’t do to turn up at the firework concert without my rustic rolls.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Not that I will blog anything to do with my new job. It can be rather career limiting if you wander of on a synaptic tangent making humorous asides about your boss or to tell people what really goes into those yummy Belgium Chocolates. Not that I am working for a company that produces Belgium Chocolates or anything exciting like that. To be honest, you could sit there from dawn to sunset guessing what my new company produces and will probably draw a complete blank. Click to return

NOTE 2: And top among his priorities after being released was getting a haircut – he says to get rid of that ‘just kidnapped’ look. I can understand that. I have just been to have my hair cut and even though it was only 5 weeks since my last visit, I feel so much better. My scalp is positively tingling after the ministrations of my barber. Click to return

NOTE 3: I’m not at all sure that I know what to make of Gordon Brown. He seems to be doing things rather differently. It could be that we have a real reforming Prime Minister on our hands. It will never last. Politicians that try to actually do something never last long. Click to return

The little glittery box remains. This was my post from one year ago today.

TECHNORATI TAGS : Sorry ; Caravans ; Brown ; Hostages ; Haircut.

It's Raining Hen

There is something about Swindon that gets to you.

Right then! Hands up all my homogenised yeomen who followed the link to Andrew Marr’s History of Modern Britain in a previous blog, were able to watch the video and watched it to the end?

Hmmmm, I thought as much. I wasn’t at all sure that people outside of the UK would be able to see the program and I doubt many of you have the time to watch the whole thing.

Still, I posted the link. As the old Swindon saying goes, “You can lead a horse to the bathtub, but is won’t find the soap.”

Funny how Swindon is on my mind. (Note 1)

Not that I am entirely sure why I decided to open up with a picture of Tony Blair in demonic pose during a visit to Swindon or just why I am rambling on about Swindon. I guess it is just the way my synaptic tangents are sparking today. It could be that I was wondering when the next Jasper Fforde book was going to hit the shelves. (Note 2)

I did consider having a quick stab at some satirical synaptic tangents about David Prowse, Start Wars and our outgoing Prime Minister, but in the end found that it was all a little too convoluted. Though fear not my depilated yeomen, I will not be setting homework tonight. For tonight is a special occasion. Rather than setting homework, I’m handing out solutions!

Some of you may have noticed that last week, a rather natty and flashy box appeared underneath my entries. In fact, it is there again today. In that box appeared a series of clues which I rather smugly announced as being cryptic. (Note 3). In fact they were nothing of the sort. They were nothing more than a rather elaborate pictorial countdown. What is more the intellectual yeomen also quickly worked out what I was counting down to – Today.

For today is my blogiverssary. I have now been blooging for a whole year. On the 30th May 2006, I decided to dip my toe in the tepid 360 waters and posted my first blog entry. Yes, it was rather boring an inauspicious. It didn’t really give many clues as to what the blog was going to evolve into and didn’t hint at the risks involved with reading it.

And for those of you who don’t follow the links, it was that last one which spawned the title of the blog – don’t you love puns?

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: For those adventurous yeomen who followed the link and are now fit for bursting at the thought of two weeks at the railway museum, please note that the web site doesn’t work properly and to request a brochure you have to email them. It somehow seems appropriate that. Click to return

NOTE 2: For those of you who have remained oblivious, I quite enjoy the writings of Jasper Fforde and in particular the adventures of Thursday Next of the Nursery Crimes Division based in Swindon. I’ve always considered that this is probably because Jasper Fforde’s mind is so stuffed full of synaptic tangents that I cannot help but be jealous. Click to return

NOTE 3: It was rather smug and supercilious of me. In fact one or two of my most loyal yeomen snatched the answer out of the air rather quickly. I was then forced to try and throw in a few curved ball clues to try and distract and disorientate you. Including a picture of ‘The Prisoner’ from the TV Series (Who was known as Number Six as he tried to discover the identity of the elusive Number Two) and a five striped squirrel did nothing to throw you from the scent. Click to return

So now you know what it was all about. I was giving my bloggiversarry a little hype. This was my first proper entry posted one year ago today.

TECHNORATI TAGS : Swindon ; Marr ; FForde ; Blogiversarry ; Puns.

Rain Starts Play

Another very British view.

Bank Holiday Monday dawns over Britain and in keeping with tradition, the British put on an extra cardigan, wrap their Macintosh tight around them and set out to enjoy traditional pursuits – regardless of the weather!

Well, my tangible yeomen, it is truly a very good day to remain watertight. Being a cricket fan, I have to admit to being rather disappointed. England are playing the West Indies at Headingly.

I realise that the mere mention of the word cricket will have the majority of you yawning with eyes glazing over and chins drooping. I’d like to say sorry for this, but my heart just wouldn’t be in it. You see, cricket isn’t as complicated as it seems. (Note 1)

Cricket has a very strange fascination. It is one of the very few sports that is played as much with the brain as with the body. If you are not a fan, it is easy to miss the nuances and the technicalities – and easy to get as bored rigid by a fan as by the game itself. I do realise that views on cricket are entrenched and that I stand no chance of changing your view on the game.

I happen to enjoy Test Cricket and believe that this is a greater challenge to the teams involved requiring both ability and mental strength. (Note 2).

The major problem though is that you cannot watch every ball of every Test Match during the summer. With up to seven tests being played, you cannot get every day off work for one thing.

I think that is why cricket journalism has developed a reputation for producing journalists capable of producing excellent word sketches of what is a complex game. A skill made all the more necessary because when it rains – there is no cricket, but the newspapers pages and airtime remain to be filled. So these heroes of the journalistic art develop the skill of being able to produce word sketches about total inactivity!

While TV tends to show highlights of past matches when the rain comes down, the hardier and more frivolous commentators on Test Match Special fill the air time with observations about cakes, pigeons and busses. Often continuing when there is actually cricket being played. Such is the homely appeal of their banter, I am sure that even people who have no interest in the game tune in, close their eyes and pretend they are at a gentile tea party.

The internet has continued with the fine tradition of cricket journalism with a number of excellent sites covering the game, offering up detailed statistical analysis of the game (Note 3) and offering a ball by ball update to the score.

Combining the tradition of cricket journalism with the new, brash and immediate nature of the internet comes a new cult hero to take his place amongst the wordsmiths. Ladies, gentlemen and others, I give you Ben Dirs! Check out the link to his Wikiquote and be… erm… amazed.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: As you can see, the simplified explanation doesn’t go down too well amongst some cricket fans. Although I love my cricket, I can’t see any harm in it and don’t hold impromptu bonfires when asked to help with the wiping up. Click to return

NOTE 2: The cricketing authorities have tried to improve the image of the game by introducing one day versions of the game which I enjoy, but for different reasons. However, if you want cricket at its rawest and most spectacular, the latest innovation of Twenty/Twenty cricket is well worth a look and will certainly bring converts to the game. Click to return

NOTE 3: Statistics play a huge part in cricket with very detailed records kept of team and individual performances and careers. These statistics are poured over and analysed by aficionados of the game and used to compare players of different eras and styles. Even the most minor statistic can be the subject of a heated debate while players, commentators and spectators wait for the British weather to clear. Click to return

I am now convinced that all of my fine yeomen (of whom I am so very proud), have worked out what is going on. Yet, I want to keep giving out clues.

TECHNORATI TAGS : Cricket ; Rain ; TMS ; Internet ; Dirs.

May The Farce Be With You

A very British view.

I have to say sorry to all my pasteurised yeomen for having to split my Cannes film blog over two different days. The truth is that there was just so many different synapses sparking, I just couldn’t fit everything in!

Still, if you all maintaining that comfortable and serene air associated with being watertight, I shall attempt to continue with the synaptic chunder. (Note 1)

Ever since I can remember, people have talked about ‘The British Film Industry’ with a kind of hushed reverence usually reserved for a much loved national icon admitted to a hospice.

The British Film industry seems to be in a perpetual state of decline that will result in its demise. Then, just as people start to dust off the memorabilia for eBay, along comes a Four Weddings, a Train Spotting, Full Monty or Love Actually that somehow allows the industry to stagger from its deathbed and wheeze its way through a few more years. (Note 2)

We tend to overlook the fact that us Brits are quite good at making movies. In fact, we have a track record of producing some of the biggest movies of all time.

Hmmm, there are a few sceptical glances coming my way – especially from my Merkin readers.

You may have noticed that this week saw the amazing anniversary of the first Star Wars film. You may not have realised it, but that film was made in Britain – but is not considered a British film. David Prowse, an Englishman, played one of the most famous characters in that film, Darth Vader. (Note 3)

If that doesn’t convince you, then remember that the James Bond films are made at Pinewood Studios.

The thing is that making films is an expensive business. The only people who can afford to make huge blockbusters are the big entertainment corporations. They have the money and will make their films wherever offers them the best deal. The cost of the films can influence their content. Film making is a business and the aim of the business is to make money. So the plots of films has more to do with encouraging people to watch than to try and break new ground or educate.

Which is why the big film companies back their films with big publicity budgets and why the big blockbusters get all the column inches in the entertainment papers.

The bigger the business, the more money they have to spend and the bigger risks they can afford to take. Sadly, this means that in Britain we cannot match the risks and the budgets of the big multinationals like Sony. Without risk, there is no reward and we can only watch in disgust as our good ideas such as the Ealing Comedy, The Ladykillers is remade by the big studios.

Ironically, the Ealing studios which made the famous Ealing comedies was sold to the BBC in 19955, the year that saw the original and acclaimed ‘Ladykillers’ film hit cinemas. Perhaps it is due to unique way that the BBC is funded by use of a licence fee rather than the need to obtain funding from commercials that allows the BBC to produce and air challenging programs.

If you have the time and you actually have the access rights, I suggest that you have a look at The idea that they will re-make the St Trinian’s franchise fills me with both Andrew Marr’s History of Modern Britain. If you cannot actually see the program, then you can have a look at the BBC Website associated with the series.

The first episode used the satire of the Ealing comedies to illustrate some of the different events in Britain after World War Two. It is an amazing story that starts only a dozen or so years before I was born – and yet I learned so much. If you can, I thoroughly recommend you watch it.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: I’m beginning to think I may have stumbled over a new classic. I think that is so much better than the rather old and boring cliché of “If you are sitting comfortably, I’ll begin…” Perhaps I should start a campaign to make it compulsory at all public library reading hours. Click to return

NOTE 2: Although such is the state of mind of us Brits that as soon as a film becomes a commercial success, we feel the need to ridicule it and generally belittle any achievement. I have no explanation why this is my effervescent yeomen. It is just the way of the Brits. We will cheer the underdog until we are puce in the face and our throats are red raw – but as soon as the underdog becomes a winner we cannot wait to bring them crashing down. Click to return

NOTE 3: David Prowse hails from the English West Country. His natual accent is a lovely West Country lilt, which is often stereotyped as being that of a country farmer. Poor David Prowse became nicknamed as Darth Farmer as a result. If you follow this link, you will see what I mean as it allows you to link to an interview with him. Just close your eyes and imagine Darth Vader – it soesn’t really work. Click to return

Oh dear, I appear to have missed out a cryptic clue. I am truly sorry. Never mind, I am sure that my firm-thighed yeomen will still be able to continue our little synaptic romp.

TECHNORATI TAGS : Ealing ; History ; Marr ; Film ; BBC.

Cannes Belles Ring Like the Good Old Days?

Celluloid dreams.

Well, my weatherproof yeomen, isn’t it strange how one photograph can spark a meandering and wide-ranging synaptic chunder? (Note 1)

Those of you who have been living in a cave for the last few weeks may not have noticed that the Cannes International Film Festival is in full swing. (Note 2)

I went to Cannes once. I made the mistake of sitting on a pavement café and ordering a beer so I could watch the beautiful people go past. When the bill came, I found that it cost about ten times the price of a pint of Nightswerve’s Velvet Cudgel back in the ‘Rat and Ferret’. It wasn’t even that I was there for the Film Festival, just a conference on high speed computer networks. Sorry, I digress. I should jump back to the plot.

The Canne Film Festival generates a lot of media interest. Hoards of hacks and critics up sticks to attend – no doubt secure in the knowledge that a £40 beer tastes like ambrosia if someone else is paying. There are lots of distractions in Cannes, so getting the hacks out of the bars and casinos must be difficult.

It is probably not so difficult if you have a couple of ‘A’ list celebs in your film that you can wheel out in highly stage managed PR event with a huge finger buffet and free bar. Not so easy if you are a small independent film maker.

That is why I was really pleased to see that a short film produced by two students as a graduation piece is getting a lot of attention. Of course, this could be that this is the only British film in the running for any awards. (Note 3)

Apart from that, the only news of the British Film industry was a fanfare piece saying that they have done a remake of the St Trinians films which will open around Christmas time.

The idea that they will re-make the St Trinian’s franchise fills me with both dread and joy. (Note 4).

Although the first St. Trinian’s film came out before I was even born and I didn’t even become aware of Ronald Searle’s cartoons until years later, I have always had a real soft spot for the original films. Now, I can look at them and understand the satire, enjoy the scene stealing acting from George Cole as Flash Harry and Alastair Sim as the headmistress (Yes, in the good old British tradition he played the role in drag). Yet whenever I see them, I find myself transported back to the sofa on a wet Saturday afternoon and I go all misty eyed.

As a child, I laughed like a drain at all the St. Trinian’s films. I must have watched each of them a hundred times and the never lost their charm, their humour or their appeal.

I shall probably go watch the new version with low expectations. I hope that it does manage to match the originals, but let’s face it – they are a very hard act to follow.

Now, my undulating yeomen, I shall draw this particular meandering to a close. Not because I have run out of things to say, but because it has generated so many more thoughts and ideas. I shall pick those up tomorrow as they deserve an entry all of their own.

Before I go, I would like to remind you of the need to find new sorry videos. Those of you who read my CRASI entry yesterday will understand what it is all about and are probably already hard at work trying to find good amateur video footage on the net or being creative with making your own. Boy, how I love setting homework!

While we are speaking of campaigns, I should ask my meticulous yeomen if they have noticed that the options for the various ‘Quick Comments’ on the front page of people’s blogs varies according to the server they use? It seems that some countries have better options than others – with the Canadians getting all sorts of really interesting emoticons. Well, Kerry did! She has started the SMILEY 360 campaign. Why don’t you pop over to her page and see what you can do to get included in your Quick Comment box?

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: I started with an idea of what I wanted to blog about and worked backwards to the opening as I usually do. However, I when I got to the opening, I found that my thoughts shot off in a totally direction. Still, I suppose I have the skeleton for another entry in my locker now. Now all I need to understand is why some women consider being described watertight is such a compliment, but having had such a positive reaction, I should continue with the compliments. Click to return

NOTE 2: While researching this little piece I found myself smirking over the way that the Merkin media condescends to their public. While everywhere else in the world describes it as Cannes, The Merkin media feel that their readers have no grasp of rudimentary geography and insist on saying ‘Cannes, France’. Just pity the fools. Click to return

NOTE 3: Reading between the lines of the article, I do get a sneaky feeling that the subject matter might well have something to do with it as well. I wouldn’t mind having a little teensy bet that if it does win we will get to see a few offended people pontificating in the press – all additional PR grist to the mill. Click to return

NOTE 4: I’m prepared to be proved wrong here, but I have yet to find a re-make that is anything but a pale imitation of the original. I sat here staring at my screen for an age trying to think of one re-make that I enjoyed more than the original and drew a complete blank. Click to return

It seems that some of you have broken the cryptic clues. For those of you who haven’t and are unaware of the link, I am truly sorry. Sadly, I have to come up with an even more cryptic clue to see if those who know the answer can also explain why.

TECHNORATI TAGS : Cannes ; Trinians ; Searle ; Film ; CRASI.