Interesting Times

I think that Terry Pratchett said it all.

It would help me if you could all pick a virtual seat and quietly shuffle a little closer. If you feel the urge to virtually join hands, then feel free. (Note 1) Now, let’s all take few deep breaths and when we have purged ourselves of negative thoughts and have reached a state of relaxed equilibrium, I’ll begin.

Hello, I’m Simon, although you can call me Red1hols if you wish. This, if you haven’t already guessed, is my blog. Now those of you who have been here before might like to go and do something useful like place a giant inflatable Santa on a detested neighbour’s chimney or see if Great Aunt Maud has finished with the paperboy who was foolish enough to ask for a Christmas present. You’ll probably know everything that will appear in this entry and I wouldn’t want you to get bored. (Note 2) You see, my fine yeomen, I am going to try and explain / justify / mitigate / litigate (Please delete where applicable) exactly what this is all about.

Position your cursor over the image now!

Any of you out there experiencing a touch of Déjà vu? Yes me too. In my particular reality, it is a common problem here in my blogs. Sometimes it is an over indulgence in Nigtswerve’s Velvet Cudgel, other times it is just to see if you are awake and concentrating in you own particular version of reality. (Note 3)

It seems that the Yahoo Editorial Team had an exceptional Christmas party. Young Nigel from accounts has woken up with a tattoo of the Yahoo logo on the inside of his right thigh and Gladys, the elderly cleaner, holding parts of his anatomy that have not been held by anyone else for many a year. What is probably far worse is that at one point during the party, the Yahoo Editorial team managed to sneak the ’Interesting’ label back into my underpants.

Again, this comes as a bit of a surprise and given that I have suffered that itchy, scratchy label before, I take it as a real honour and a privilege. I am humbled – or at least would be if I wasn’t on a higher dose of the dried frog pills as a result. Ah, yes, perhaps the time has come to explain these, you can find an explanation in this WIKIPEDIA entry, although you will need to scroll down a bit.

There are quite a few things that may require explanation in this blog. There are the strange characters that will crop up from time to time like Evar, Yvette Munsderpiedder, Mattress Madge, Padstow and Chief Inspector McCrindle Barleymow Honeydew-Fforbes and the gang from the ‘Rat and Ferret’. I wouldn’t worry about them; they are totally harmless and are a kind of running joke. Like any joke, the humor tends to evaporate during an explanation, so I’ll leave you to discover them on your own. You have noticed that there are these strange notes like the Note 4 over there. If you click on the note {Go on! Click on it!} -(Note 4) - you should be whisked back again. Apologies to any of my good yeoman who suffer motion sickness, but it needed a demonstration. Ah, yes, that’s another thing. While you are reading this blog, you enjoy temporary promotion from mere netizen to stout yeoman. Purely honorary you understand, but you deserve some credit for making it this far!

I do like to throw in various odd pictures along the way. The lady above is Grace Hopper – Commander Grace Hopper. If she wasn’t dead, she would have been a hundred years old on December 9th. Now, I shall introduce you to another feature of my blog. In order to try and convince you that I am actually providing an educational service, I sometimes set homework. (Note 5) Today’s homework, my livewire yeomen, is to discover what amazing contribution Grace Hopper has made to our lives.

One big lesson I have learned on this blogging lark is that it consumes your life (or at least it will until the end of next year when I assume something new will come along and eat into all our spare time). As much as I like to try and visit the blogs of all my friends and pass comments, time pressures are in play here. I already find I fail to do justice to all of my friends blogs. A huge friends list would mean that I just wouldn’t have the time to do this as I have a day job Without the day job, I wouldn’t be able to maintain my waist in the manner it has become accustomed. Anyone who appears on that list has a magnificent blog which is well worth reading, is a regular contributor of comments on my blog and / or has satisfied my inner voyeur. (Note 6)

I might not be particularly good at reciprocating visits and comments on my blog – but I do try my best (except in responding to those one sentence thingies on the top page which I detest with passion). So if you do leave a comment or drop me a message I promise to smile, feel warm inside and try to extend the same courtesy to you if time allows. If I don’t then I better say sorry up front.

So, that’s about it then. I have now shared with you the basics of this blog – it is up to you if you want to strain a synaptic in trying to make sense of it. It’s not really something I would recommend. It makes no sense to me and I wrote this stuff. You would be better served having a look see at some of my friends blogs and get in early on some of the soon to be interesting.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to check may mailbox to see if this new found fame has caused a flood of pictures that cater to my errm… specific tastes.

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Errr.. The girl in the back. You! The one with the neckline that hasn’t so much plunged as dived headlong from the Empire State Building. That is not his hand. Now we’ll all have to sit here and wait while you go and wash you hands. Then we’ll start again – Properly! Click to return

NOTE 2: I would hate you to get bored. Last time I let you lot get bored it took me a week to get the stains out of the Llama. Click to return

NOTE 3: For there is no single, absolute gold standard reality. We each have our own. Therefore there are billions of alternate realities all of which can be modified and controlled by dried frog pills. I will explain about the dried frog pills – just stick with it and trust me, I’m a professional. Click to return

NOTE 4: You will be whisked down to the appropriate foot note which gives you a whispered aside commentary on the main text. When you click on the text at the end {OK, Click on it} Click to return

NOTE 5: Sadly, my yeomen readers tend to treat me like that rather nice chubby social studies teacher they had when they first went to big school and totally ignore me. Click to return

NOTE 6: I’m too much of a gentleman to say who among my friends have satisfied my inner voyeur – they probably know who they are anyway and I certainly wouldn’t want to discourage the practice. There is not better pick me up then having a young lady displaying her truly stunning assets. – I better stress that last bit YOUNG LADY If you don’t fit that classification then it won’t work – that means you SET!. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Trivia ; Life ; Comedy; red1hols.

Five and a half million cannot be wrong.

Conveniently situated near to Heathrow airport.

My fair minded yeomen, there are some topics that are just guaranteed to get the blood pressure rising. Prepare yourself, this is going to be one of those posts.

To say that immigration is a touchy topic is one of those wonderful understatements. It’s like saying that World War II was a minor disagreement or that Pele could kick a ball. (Note 1)

I suppose us Brits like understatement. It allows us to make a grudging nod towards reality while allowing us to live within our chosen realities undisturbed.

And, as if by magic, I start to stereotype and define ‘Britishness’. I’m not alone, it seems to have become an obsession of our politicians. It seems that wherever you turn, someone is trying to define what makes us British. Tony Blair believes "When it comes to our essential values - belief in democracy, the rule of law, tolerance, equal treatment for all, respect for this country and its shared heritage - then that is where we come together, it is what we hold in common.".

Noble words?

Maybe, but when you look to the general public, the majority seem to believe that we will be better served by curtailing or even stopping immigration into Britain. David Cameron, the Tory leader espouses immigration controls. href="#Note2h" class="">(Note 2)

There appears to be this belief that it is us Brits that are being so very reasonable about the whole debate and that it is others that refuse to understand our position and to engage in our view of a Multicultural Britain.

Perhaps I am in a very, very small minority who saw a fly fall into the very expensive ointment yesterday.

The troublesome insect came in the form of a survey that suggested that five and a half million people born in Britain now live abroad.

There seems to be a paradox here. While it seems that as a nation we are against immigration into the UK, yet we seem to believe that it is OK for us to up sticks and move abroad. I’m not sure, but am I the only one who finds this a rather hypocritical view?

My sturdy yeomen, I’m Banishing the synaptic tangent to a footnote. href="#Note3h" class="">(Note 3) I would much rather highlight an article I heard on the radio when they were discussing this survey.

A reporter found himself in a town in the South of Spain that had become a haven for British expats. After various discussions over the benefits enjoyed by the Brits who had made their home in the town, the reporter sought out some Spaniards to get there view on this ‘friendly invasion’. He couldn’t find any in the town.

He eventually found some in a neighbouring town. They complained that the expats didn’t learn Spanish, didn’t integrate into society and didn’t embrace the Spanish culture and way of life.

Well what do you know? Exactly the same complaints being levelled at immigrants at home! Do you reckon that it could be that us Brits might be required to change our attitudes just as much as those immigrants that politicians love to berate?

If we are not worried enough about global warming, a report out today highlights the fact that the ice in the Arctic Ocean is rapidly melting. This is one of the climatic events that is seen as a tipping point in the changes to our planet’s weather patterns and likely to have a huge impact on our future.

The really depressing part of this story is that it is probably now far too late to be able to reverse the trend and to save the ice and the Arctic environment.

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Of course this is just a lame excuse to roll out the urban legend of the famed Hollywood Producer who in response to an audition tape said “He can’t sing, can’t act, can dance a little.” So it was that RKO Pictures decided to turn down Fred Astaire. That’s the trouble when you are asked to voice an opinion, if it turns to be different from the vast majority – you become a figure of ridicule. Still, I’ll take my chances. Click to return

NOTE 2: He is not alone. The Labour Party have been applying immigration controls ever since they came to power. Picking out a speech by ‘Dave’ isn’t my attempt to highlight the fact that he just loves to make speeches that play well to the cheap seats (although that does seem to be his favoured method of campaigning), but just an example I plucked from the numerous available that shows the mindset within the country. Click to return

NOTE 3: While Marmite is a sought after delicacy amongst British ex-pats, the inclusion of this photograph is just a flimsy excuse to link to Rii’s discussion on an unusual art form. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Trivia ; Life ; News; Environment ; red1hols.

Rainy Sunday Blues

The bringer of the storm.

For the dwindling band of yeomen who are following my holiday tales with interest I bring nothing but disappointment. I don’t intend to talk about my holiday today – even though I have opened with a holiday picture (one that didn’t quite work).

In truth my mood and my heart just isn’t in it. It is a day I would rather pick up a baseball bat and lay into something. Earlier, someone lit my slow burning fuse and then retired to a safe distance to wait for me to go off.

And sooner or later – I will go off.

I’ve not really been in the best of moods since yesterday and my visit to Coventry. (Note 1) I’ve blogged about Coventry before; it isn’t my most favourite cities.

On the bright side, I did manage to capture the photograph above as my attempt at Sean’s arches within arches challenge.

Even finding that this picture had come out so well didn’t improve my mood.

No, it looks like sometime soon I will go off. if you have any sense you’ll retire a very safe distance and wait for this mood to blow over.

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: The picture is of Coventry University where my little girl had an interview (Oh Becky if you are reading this, if you are not a good likkle girl I shall publish the picture of you playing with the balloons). The towers are designed to make the building more environmentally friendly. They do not house chickens. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Trivia ; Life ; Comedy ; red1hols.

The Last Hop

Where the hell are we?

I dare say that quite a number of you brave yeomen fell soundly asleep during my entry describing my first day of ’What I did on my holidays.’ Fear not, I will not hold it against you. However, your fellow yeomen are going to have to suffer a recap (and they may seek retribution during recess).

The first day of the holiday had been effectively written off by a combination of the US Navy and Thompsonfly. After 23 hours travelling, we still hadn’t reached Barbados and our cruise ship. Instead we had been diverted to Antigua and after a white knuckle taxi ride, been put up in a hotel somewhere on the island.

Despite enduring a tortuous journey and getting to bed late, jetlag caused me to rise at dawn. I was at a low ebb. The events of the previous day had done nothing to reduce my stress (and that is what holidays are for after all). I was tired and annoyed. Above all, I had no idea if the ship had sailed without us or what arrangements had been made to allow us to join it.

When I went out onto the balcony of the hotel room, my whole mood lifted. That picture above shows the view that greeted me. (Note 1) The sun was climbing over the hills on my left. The air was warm compared to the chill of the room – and that view was breathtaking. My mood lifted considerably.

Warmed by the sunshine and the tropical air and given new energy by the location and breakfast, I started to take an interest in where we were. Which of course, was Antigua. A place which is far better in daylight!

It turned out that we were in a hotel near Jolly Harbour. (For a map CLICK HERE). Even now, I’m not sure where we where exactly, but I think it was probably on Mosquito Cove, half way down the left hand side of the island. (Note 2) If you have to be stranded anywhere, then there are a lot worse places than The Jolly Beach Resort.

Wandering about the resort, the bond between passengers on the flight strengthened. Soon, we discovered that a P&O representative was in the resort. That we would still be meeting the ship in Barbados and that it was hoped to have us restart our journey at 10:30 that morning. (Note 3)

While we waited, we wandered up and down the beach and I generally chilled out taking a few photos. It was all very pleasant and relaxing. I even chanced upon the local cricket ground and the team practicing. (Note 4)

The whole resort was alive with birds. They swarmed around the place – especially near to the restaurant where they tried to get inside. It was surrounded by netting and had swing doors. It didn’t put the birds off, they would perch near one of the doors and wait until the doors opened and fly in and out at will. While the starlings contented themselves with food, some of the birds had higher aspirations.

After a spot of lunch, we left the resort and headed back to the airport in a fleet of taxis. This time the journey was less white knuckle.

Although my time in Antigua was brief, I was struck by what in the first world we would describe as poverty – the villages we passed through seemed to consist of little more than small shacks. There again, we drove past a wedding on the way back to the airport and everyone looked very smart in their Sunday best. (Note 5)

The airport was packed – I mean absolutely heaving with people. We did the queues for check in and then the security check – only to be presented with a departure hall that was standing room only. We reached the hall at 14:00 and with an expectation that our flight would take off at 17:30, it looked like we faced a long and uncomfortable wait.

The aircrew (the original crew from the flight the previous day) arrived at 15:30 to spontaneous cheers and applause from all the delayed Brits. The numerous Merkins looked at us suspiciously as their views about the mental stability of the British appeared to be confirmed.

We eventually took to the air at 18:05. At 18:43 we touched down in Barbados. Here we were shown just how efficient arrival procedures can be. (Note 6) By 19:35 we were on coaches. By 20:10 we were on the ship (I was actually the last passenger to board due to a slight issue remembering where I had put the passports). By 20:30 we were safely in our cabins. After everything else we experienced - that was incredibly slick.

After getting something to eat, we climbed up to the top of the ship to watch the Captain back it out of its berth turn it round and head out to sea. Given that the ship is over 250 yards long he made it look like he was driving a mini.

At long last the holiday had begun!

So here endeth Day Two of what I did on my holidays. TO BE CONTINUED…

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: The feint haze on the picture is condensation on the camera lense. Hard to believe as it may seem, I had actually woken up shivering thanks to an air-conditioning system with aspirations to be an industrial freezer. When I took my camera out into the warm, humid tropical air condensation formed on the lens. In my befuddled state I failed to notice and this is the only salvageable picture from a series of half a dozen or so. Click to return

NOTE 2 : For those of you not used to technical terms – that’s the West Coast. Click to return

NOTE 3: This was later amended to 13:30 departure. The P&O rep worked hard to sort things out and to re-assure us. We had assumed that she had come from P&O’s Oceana ship which we had seen moored in Antigua as we came into land the previous evening, but in fact she was the islands P&O rep. Click to return

NOTE 4: Given the heat and humidity, I was very impressed with the training cycles they ran through. Certainly they didn’t fit with the outdated stereotypes of West Indian cricket! On a cricketing theme, we also got a view of the Stamford Cricket Ground in Antigua. For those of you not up with the noble game – that was built by an American Billionaire and hosted the West Indies 20/20 championship. Click to return

NOTE 5: I also noticed that most street corners had a couple of young lads lurking and with a furtive look. Young girls tended to walk up and down the side of the road. I have this feeling that goods and services were being traded by these young people – but of course they could have been waiting for a bus to take them to church. Click to return

NOTE 6: The efficiency and the trust shown by all of the countries should be shown as a shining example to the Merkin immigration and airport security services. We visited some poor and supposedly backward countries but all of their immigration and security checks were fast and efficient. In America, they seemed to employ twice as many people who took twice as long to do the same job. Most of them seemed to be employed to point vaguely at something only they could see. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Trivia ; Life ; Travel ; Comedy ; Caribbean ; red1hols.

Dominoes

Just a diversion.

Well my fine yeomen, it has been a while hasn’t it?

I have now returned from my holiday and while my body is busily trying to select a time zone to operate in, I am going to treat you to a few well chosen lines and pictures about my vacation. (Note 1)

It doesn’t seem possible that only a few short weeks ago, we arrived at a wet Birmingham airport to catch our flight to Barbados where we would board our cruise ship.

It would have been rather over optimistic to expect that the travel arrangements would go smoothly. There are always snags with travel, you just have to shrug and accept them. So it was that a one hour delay in departing Birmingham was shrugged off. At the time, I didn’t realise that this was just the first domino falling.

The flight was a double feature. Nine hours in the air is more than enough time for two feature films. Pirates of the Caribbean – Dead Man’s Chest was a rather clichéd choice for an in-flight movie given the destination. During the second feature Good Night, Good Luck , that the second domino fell. (Note 2)

The Merkin Navy out on patrol in the bandit filled Caribbean, got word that a fleet of hostile pedallos had set sail from Barbados. As general quarters blared across the quarter deck, they decided to test fire missiles. A quick phone call to the Merkin Air Traffic Control and a huge chunk of airspace around Barbados was closed. While the Merkin Navy got to play with their big boy toys, we had to fly the long way round to Barbados.

We were about an hour out of Barbados when the plane took a sharp left. About 10 minutes later the Captain felt the need to tell us about the course change. Almost as an afterthought, he added that we need to pick up some extra fuel in Antigua so that we would reach Barbados. (Note 3)

When we touched down in Antigua I had the feeling of being Jenson Button doing a quick splash and dash for the chequered flag.

As we sat at the end of the runway, straining our eyes looking for an approaching fuel truck, this sense of optimism and excitement spilled over. Here I was in Antigua, an extra stop on my vacation – so I snapped a couple of pictures from the window to record the stopover.

It could be that while I was framing up the shot that the next domino fell. More likely it was during the hour an a half that we waited for a spot on the airport apron to open up so they could park the aircraft and get it fuelled up.

It was dark by the time the plane found its way to the apron. The intercom from the Captain of the plane was strangely silent. Waiting for fuel gave us chance to get to know our fellow passengers. An elderly couple in the row in front of us were celebrating their Golden Wedding. You have to admit – their day was memorable.

Being from Britain, the stiff upper lip kicked in and the gallows humour abounded. The spirit of the blitz surfaced as we waited patiently for news. (Note 4)

By the time the fuel turned up, we discovered the reason behind the last domino falling. The flight crew had run out of hours and were therefore not able to fly us to Barbados. The good news was there was a flight crew in Barbados and they were looking to charter a flight to bring them to our plane to fly us the rest of the way.

At 11:15pm, fourteen hours after we boarded the aircraft, we were told that we would be waiting in the terminal building. Half an hour later we started to disembark.

Antigua airport was effectively shutting down for the night when we arrived. 315 tired and irritable passengers walked into a terminal building with little or no air conditioning to join a snaking queue for a security check. The security staff had the worst end of this particular deal. They are must be made of stern stuff those Antiguan Security Staff. I’m not sure if I could have faced 630 shoes that had been worn continually for at least 18 hours being thrust under my nose.

We were handed vouchers for refreshments at the one food stall in the airport (which did not cover beer) and an unsightly scrum ensued as everyone tried to get served. The guys behind the counter coped well considering. I doubt they often have 300 people to serve in one go, but they managed – even if the choice was limited.

We ate our food and twiddled our thumbs waiting for the relief air crew. Then came the bombshell announcement that our flight was cancelled and that we would be taken to hotels for the night. Some frayed tempers finally snapped. (Note 5)

We had to complete the immigration procedures for Antigua. More queues, but the reward of an Antiguan stamp in my passport. We queued for our luggage (Although some elected to leave their luggage at the airport – and yes, some cases got lost). We then queued for taxis. The guy that was organising all of this deserves a big pat on the back. Where in some places everyone authority finds a place to hide – this guy was organising cajoling and generally getting things done. I wish I’d taken his picture as he deserves some credit.

We ended up in taxi number 796. A taxi which entered to official Holder “World’s Worst Taxis” at #1 with a bullet. The taxi itself smelt like an Amsterdam Coffee shop. The tropical air hang heavy with the smell of scorched herbs. The driver hurtled along potholed roads avoiding the worst by driving on the wrong side of the road. He also totally ignored two red traffic lights. By the time we reached the hotel I was a gibbering wreck and thankfull for the offer of my first (and definitely not the last) rum punch of the holiday. (Note 6)

There were more queues at hotel reception as we snaked our way towards the promised room for the night. We were lucky. By 3:30 am we had completed the formalities and manhandled our cases up twisty stairs to a room and a bed. Where we collapsed after 23 hours travelling. Others were not so lucky. A number of those who chose to argue at the airport found that the hotel ran out of rooms and they had to bussed to another hotel – they didn’t get to sleep for another two hours!

It might not have been the best first day of a holiday – but it was certainly memorable.

So here endeth Day One of what I did on my holidays. TO BE CONTINUED…

From 14th June, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Thanks to the wonders of the internet, I don’t have to treat you all to a meal and watch as you drain my stock of duty free booze before sitting you down to a slide show. Such are the joys of the digital age, I can do it all from the comfort of my own computer screen secure in the knowledge that my supplies of hooch are safe. Click to return

NOTE 2 : I’m sure that a sadistic ex-smoker chose this film deliberately. Being a smoker on a long haul flight is bad enough. To have to sit there and endure a film where someone lighting a cigarette marks the start of every scene is the ultimate torture. Click to return

NOTE 3: I don’t like thinking about just why the plane needed to pick up extra fuel. It is not that far from Antigua to Barbados and ever since I had visions that the plane was flying on fumes as the air crew scrambled for their parachutes. I should be charitable and mention the turbulence we experienced and maybe even use this as an excuse for why the plane was running with such a low fuel load – although it was a Thompsonfly charter flight and I suspect that they were running at the absolute margins to save money. Click to return

NOTE 4: Long haul flights are never particularly comfortable. Long haul charter flights are even less so. The seats on these flights are never big enough. Sure, the legroom was better than some, but they just don’t build the seats wide enough. Yet after twelve hours or so in a plane with three of the four toilets out of commission and with very little news coming from the flight crew, you suddenly realise just how bad conditions must get for those unfortunate enough to fall victim to a hijack. Click to return

NOTE 5: Fine yeomen, a handy travel trip. When your travel plans have unravelled to the point where you find yourself sent to a hotel for the night – don’t argue. Resign yourself to your fate. Follow the instructions to the letter. Move fast and get to the front of the queues that are bound to form. Those that chose to argue with the poor girl behind the counter ended up at the back of all the queues and were several hours behind us in collapsing into a bed. Click to return

NOTE 6: I have travelled in taxis all over the world. I thought that I had seen the worst of all taxi driving – yet the Antiguan roads and taxi 796 beat the lot. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Trivia ; Life ; Travel ; Comedy ; Caribbean ; red1hols.