Trying not to Snigger

Maybe there is a glimmer of hope.

Hello again my watertight yeomen. It seems I’m managing to shoe-horn in the time to write a few blog entries. So I suppose I should put them to good use. I can almost hear the sound of numerous loins being girded as I tell you I’m going to give you an update on Vulture Funds. For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about here, you can catch up on a little of the history by reading the blog entries here and here.

So, the more perceptive yeomen amongst you should now know, I have been writing to my various elected representatives in attempt to see if I can nibble at the toes of government and encourage a little justice.

As you can see from the picture at the top of this entry, I have had a response from Phil Hope. (Note 1) I’ve also had a response from Mr Rehn on behalf of the European Commission, but that was rather evasive suggesting that there was little they could do.

The letter does give me cause for optimism. The Department for international development has part-funded a scheme that allows countries to buy back their debt with an average saving of 90% on the debt – allowing over $8bn worth of debt to be eliminated. All good news – but really just a start and more needs to be done.

Perhaps most importantly, we as individuals need to make sure that our Governments don’t forget about the pledges they made after Live8 at the G8 summit. In a report issued in April the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development said aid to poor countries from 22 of its members - wealthy industrialised nations - fell 5.1% last year and was likely to decline further in 2007. Of the G8 Nations, only the UK and Japan have fully kept their pledges.

So, if you haven’t already, write to your elected representative. If you live in the UK, like me, you can write to your elected representatives using the Write to Them website. If you live in the US, concerned Merkins can contact your Senators and Representatives.

There are also petitions open you can sign electronically – these can be found on the original posts, so I’ll not bore you with them again.

However, I will include the links to the Jubilee Debt Campaign website, so you can find out more information and get involved with their campaign.

Despite this being a very serious and complex topic, my brain still went off on a synaptic tangent. All through this post I have been thinking of John Cleese and the Monty Python classic Ministry of Silly Walks. (Note 2)

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Phil Hope was recently been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease. This is a cancer of the lymph system and requires four months of chemotherapy followed by four weeks of radiotherapy. As a result I wasn’t sure that I would hear anything from him. So credit where credit’s due.

Because I am patron of Campaign to Release Alternate Sorry to the Internet (CRASI), I will say sorry to hear you’ve been ill. I hope that you make a full recovery and are back to normal soon. Click to return

NOTE 2: It is just the way that my brain likes to work. The synaptic tangents went into overdrive when I saw that the letter from HM treasury was signed by Ed Balls. My inner fourteen year-old schoolboy sniggered and snorted. Pity the Fool. Click to return

Today I throw another cryptic clue in your direction to see if your synapses spark and produce the answer. If I have confused you, well, I’m sorry.

TECHNORATI TAGS : Vulture Funds ; Phil Hope ; Ed Balls ; Monty Python ; John Cleese.

Marking the Day

As empty vessels make the loudest sound, so they that have the least wit are the greatest blabbers.

That rather fossilised philosopher up there is Plato. My more experienced yeomen will be bracing themselves for a rather deep and meaningful argument over what constitutes democracy or some wondrous synaptic tangents that link him to Ernest Marples. But no. My intention today is far more important. Today, I shall be meandering my way to highlight a far more important fact.

There is a link between Plato and Ernest Marples, but it is so tenuous that it will have you all crying foul. Indeed, it may well have you reaching for pitchforks and flaming torches and laying siege to my humble abode. For you see, as I drifted along the backwaters of the internet, I came across a rather unnerving claim. I came across a site that listed the birthdays of famous people. On that site, I found that they had Plato’s birthday listed as today. This rather surprised me as I’d always thought that such a fact had eluded scholars. Indeed, I crossed checked it with wikipedia and they were not even sure of the year he was born.

Rather than delve deeper into dry and dusty research, I just decided to accept the fact. (Note 1) There is plenty else to celebrate on this day after all.

For a start, it is the birthday of Delectable Pet - who remains a sprightly ninety-nine. Happy Birthday Pet, I hope you have a wonderful day that is full of the most wonderful gifts! Rumour has it that later today some lucky people will be treated to a recital of Abba’s greatest hits on the autoharp. Truly, this is the hottest ticket in town.

Although I cannot be sure about you sharing your birthday with Plato, I am on safer ground when I suggest that you share your birthday with Fats Waller, Alexander Pope and Elizabeth Fry.

In fact the 21st of May provides a number of interesting potential synaptic tangents. (Note 2)

Charles A. Lindbergh landed his Spirit of St. Louis near Paris, completing the first solo airplane flight across the Atlantic Ocean and Amelia Earhart, lands in a pasture in Derry, Northern Ireland to become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean. Andrei Sakharov, the Nobel Peace Prize-winning Soviet scientist and dissident, was born.

In years to come, today will be marked by the sad news of the fire on the Cutty Sark.

Most important though remains the fact that it is the birthday of Delectable Pet - so pop over to her page and wish her many happy returns for the day.

For those of you who are wondering, the link to Ernest Marples is that on this day in 1958 he announced the introduction of telephone direct dialling making it possible to make a phone call in Britain without the aid of an operator – yes it really was less than 50 years ago, see how quickly things have moved on.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Mainly due to it blowing the link with Ernest Marples out of the water and also because I was just too lazy to go digging any further. In keeping with my position as patron of Campaign to Release Alternate Sorry to the Internet (CRASI), I will just grovel a bit, tell you all sorry and move on. Click to return

NOTE 2: Like it being the birthday of Leo Sayer and Mr T. I’m just not sure that it is fair to unleash these on a poor unsuspecting world. Should anybody be thinking of searching out some audio clips of Leo Sayer – I advise against it. Bleeding from the ears is no fun! Pity the Fool who tries. Click to return

Just a little cryptic something to get your synapses stretching a tad. If I have confused you, well, I’m sorry.

TECHNORATI TAGS : Birthday ; history ; On This Day ; Plato ; Cutty Sark.

The Minefield That Is Statistics

Can you believe the signs? Do you really want to prove it wrong?

My perfumed yeomen, you could hardly believe it possible, but someone left the cat flap unlocked and Sunday has sneaked in, slipped a patented Nightswerve’s Hangover Inducer into my early morning tea and slapped me around the face with a turbot. I’m afraid that I am not at my glittering best. My body is racked by an almost critical case of man flu while somehow last night I managed to overdose on dried frog pills, alcohol and curry. Such is my delicate nature at the moment, I could be forgiven for hallucinating or slipping off to an alternate reality and teach temperance to elephants.

Thankfully, I spotted my statistical highlight yesterday, before I decided to over indulge. The Yahoo Statistics Goblin has decided that my 360 page has had 100 000 views! (Note 1) Thank you for your congratulations, it all helps against the jack-hammer operating on my temples. Given that Yahoo has chosen to keep the ‘interesting’ label sewn into my underpants, I shouldn’t be too surprised. I imagine that I get a number of the curious drop by, shake their heads in disbelief and hurriedly move on.

Yet, I have also managed to acquire a wonderful and diverse set of friends along the way who have stayed amazingly loyal to my synaptic meanderings – even when I fail to read their blogs or forget to respond to their comments due to some poorly timed synaptic tangent. I thank you all from the depths of my heart – you are all truly amazing and I am humbled that you chose me as a friend.

At this point, I should now go through a huge long list of thank-you’s to all my friends. I should single each of you out in turn, link to your pages and offer up a paragraph or two in praise of your talents – but I won’t. (Note 2)

To get added to my friends list is a very difficult affair. If you don’t have a picture in a profile, you don’t get added. If you don’t spend a little effort on introducing yourself on the invite, you don’t get added. If your page hasn’t been updated in a while, you don’t get added. Yet, if I find your page interesting, then I will add you even if it is in a language I cannot read. This is why my friends list contains people from around the globe (I seem to have a number from Vietnam and Iran for some reason).

On this rather special occasion, I would like to draw your attention to one blog in particular, that of MINH NGOC. I find the photographs there absolutely amazing and well worth a look.

The fact that I am able to easily include a photograph by Minh Ngoc into my blog highlights a problem with the internet – the easy availability of material.

Earlier this week, I came across a story on the BBC website about Rebekka Gudleifsdóttir who had some photographs she posted on her Flickr page lifted and sold without her knowledge. On her blog she writes about her experience and also includes some hints and tips on how to avoid falling victim if you wish to make money from photos on Flickr.

I suppose that plagiarism will always be a problem and that the internet just makes life that little bit easier. I just hope that if we ever spot our friends being ripped off in that way we will let them know – not that I have the slightest idea what you would do about it!

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Now if you are reading this on my mirror blog This probably doesn’t make any sense to you whatsoever. For this I issue the sincerest sorry I can muster. I will then remind you of the Campaign to Alternate Sorry to the Internet (CRASI) started by Sean. Apparently I am patron of this effort, so I urge you all to say sorry often in your blogs and ensure that you link to a sorry video. And if anybody out there has any other videos that you think we should be linking to – please let me or Sean know! Click to return

NOTE 2: Sadly, I do not have the energy for that right now and I am not at all sure just how long my churning innards will allow me to sit in front of my computer. Given how long it took to produce the list of the various coloured whelks, it is probably better that I work in short sharp bursts and wander outside occasionally to relieve the pressure by expelling unwanted gasses. Yes, I realise that this is just too much information for a Sunday morning. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Milestone ; Friends ; Plagiarism ; Sorry ; Photographs.

Confronting the Magnolia Whelk (at last)

Getting yourself noticed.

Oh my word! It seems, my fine questing yeomen, that I have left the parking brake off a juggernaut!

It seems that my musings over the workings of internet search engines has struck a harmonic chord amongst you – despite being that little bit flawed. I am now faced with the task of trying draw together all the different threads and draw some conclusions to our little experiment in cyberspace. But where do I start?

I suppose, the first step would be to draw together all of the different coloured whelks as there have been a number of additional requests since my last post. (Note 1)

Liss has decided that she is Magenta Whelk.
Lookwhatthecatdragged in is Periwinkle Whelk.
Mousepotato is Shocking Pink Whelk.
Kerry is Asparagus Green Whelk.
Sean is Burnt Umber Whelk.
Lee is Crimson Whelk.
Stu is Caspian Blue Whelk.
BJ is Vivacious Violet Whelk.
Eskimo is Ember Whelk.
Ali R is Turquoise Whelk.
Gypsy is Sage Green Whelk.
Chloe is Ocean Whelk.
Fuzzy Slippers is Aubergine Whelk.
Karma Chimera is Puce Whelk.
Still NoCouch is Sensual red Whelk.
Raenie is Buccinum undatum Whelk.
Irish Erin is Plaid Whelk.
Heather belle is Lavender Blue Whelk.
Padded Cell is Azure Blue Whelk.
Seedrum is Seedrum White Whelk.
Contrary Mary is Baby Poo Yellow Whelk.
Skorpio is Cadmium Yellow Whelk.
Meledesma is Titanium Whelk.

Now THAT is the final, last, definitive, unalterable etched in granite list of the different coloured whelks. My attention span just cannot cope with adding any more or any modifications. Sadly, those who requested duplicates got ignored, sorry.

The next step must be to explain what a whelk is. It seems that the term doesn’t travel 360 well. Quite simply it is a marine snail found in temperate waters and it makes a very tasty treat for Saturday tea. According to the Wikipedia entry, they can be confused with conches. I don’t actually believe that. Whelks are about an inch long and Conches are so big that their shells are blown as trumpets. That would be like confusing a garden shed with Buckingham Palace.

I suppose at this point, I should hold my hands up and say ‘Sorry, Dr. Marriott.’ (Note 2) This is what happens when you let yourself get all carried away with an idea, you forget all about the principles of scientific method. I got all carried away and didn’t really set up any controls which would make the results meaningful. Yes, I have been a very silly old Hector.

In saying that, there were a few observations that I feel I can make as a result of the experiment. For a start, the word ‘whelk’ has a strange effect on my yeomen. Since using the word in my blog, sales of dried frog pills have risen by 17% and sales of Nightswerve’s All Purpose Nerve Tonic by 23%.

The thing is though, you all want to know the impact on Google. Well, I was able to make some observations, even though I am unable to provide the proof that would satisfy the Royal Society. (Note 3)

The only things that I can say are these :-

The more unlikely your choice of words for your ‘Google Bomb’ (for example combining an exotic colour with a sea gastropod) the more likely it will succeed.

Just having the links to a page using the words is not enough – people have to follow the links to get a web page to move up the list on Google

I like to think, but have no way of proving, that not actually having the words for your chosen coloured gastropod on your web page is no bar to moving up the Google list.

All in all, I don’t think this was my most successful experiment EVAR (Note 4) It hardly ranks up there with the ‘using a paperclip as a fuse does cause electrical fires’ or ‘What happens when you release Amide chemicals in a chemistry lab?’.

For those of you who were expecting me to explain those two – you are out of luck. I have added them both to my prospect lists for future blogs, so you will just have to watch this space!

Now I better be off and have a dried frog pill and a hefty swig of Nightswerve’s All Purpose Nerve Tonic. The mere mention of Dr Marriott has brought on palpitations.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes. Perhaps I should start saying the Crozzy Memorial Standard as it appears that dear Crozzy has left us for interests new.

NOTE 1: There seems to have been a lot of interest in claiming various coloured whelks. Sadly there were a couple of duplicates and there are some which I appear to have lost in the jumble of paperwork on my desk at the moment (Yes, I am one of those old fashioned people who continues to use pen and paper to make notes!). If your particular favoured whelk doesn’t appear here, then all I can say is sorry.Click to return

NOTE 2: Now a lot of my more academic yeomen may be dashing off to discover just who is Dr. Marriott. I should point out that this phrase is a well worn one from my youth. Dr Marriott was my physics teacher. For some reason, he has become a bit of a caricature in my memory. That would make it very unfair to describe him here – I know I am getting on a bit, but I reckon that there is a good chance that the good doctor and his knobbly purple nose is still out there. Click to return

NOTE 3: I should have been more on the ball in the first instance. It seems that I could have got funding for my little experiment. It is comforting to know that there is always going to be funding available for good research. I wonder if anyone thought to mention to the scientists the slight flaws in their plan? Click to return

NOTE 4: For all of those of you who have expressed concern, Evar is alive and well, just rather busy at the moment trying to sort out other matters. Apparently, the monumental Yvette is suing Evar for breach of promise after a remark he made in a fit of passion. I believe that his defence goes along the lines of “Although he meant it when he said he was going to wrap his arms around her, it wasn’t his fault that they wouldn’t reach.” Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : experiment ; Google ; Science ; Bomb ;whimsy ; Magnolia ; Whelk.

Captured in Amber

Synaptic Tangents on Parallel Tracks.

It probably hasn’t escaped the notice of my loyal yeomen that I have neglected writing entries over the last month or so. Alas, circumstances have kept me busy with other, less pleasurable, matters. Today though, I should make a special effort. Today is a very special and important day.

Twenty one years ago today, I drove through my first red traffic light. (Note 1) Perhaps I should make it clear that I am not in the habit of jumping traffic lights. Generally one of the benefits of having a half decent imagination is that you can conjure up images of the consequences of such acts. The thing is that this was part of one of the most amazing days of my life.

It had all started the day before. I’d woken up on my birthday to find my wife had gone into labour. (Note 2) Being young, innocent and rather excited, I had this idea that I would pop along to the local maternity clinic, encourage a bit of breathing, indulge in a touch of gas and air and out would pop the most delightful birthday present.

Things don’t always go according to plan. For a start, in my day expectant fathers were kept away from the gas and air.

Displaying a trait that she has continued ever since, Becky decided to hang on a day before arriving in the world. Not only that she decided to make such a big thing about her arrival that her mother-to-be was whisked across the county to the district hospital in an ambulance with sirens blaring and lights flashing. I was left to keep up as best I could – and as I didn’t know where the hospital was, I ended up following the ambulance through the red lights.

It is difficult to explain the feeling of elation I felt at becoming a father. Or to explain the walking on air feeling I experienced for months afterwards – and remember all of this was without the aid of gas and air!

Today, I am just as proud of my little girl. She’s now turned twenty-one. By all of the accepted social standards she is now grown up. Yet she remains my little girl and I love her as much today as I did the moment she stuck her gunky head into the world and started bawling.

Congratulations Becky (yes, I know you prefer to be called Rebecca, but you will always be Becky to me). Welcome to adulthood. I am immensely proud of how you’ve turned out. You have an unconditional love that a father has for his children and not matter what; you will always be my little girl.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: The UK doesn’t have a statute of limitations on heinous crimes. Not only do British criminals have to live with a guilty conscience for the rest of their lives, they also live in fear that the knock on the door isn’t the long arm of the law catching up on their paperwork. I guess I have just made it easy for them. I guess that I should get ready to say sorry and start working on a good mitigation speech. Click to return

NOTE 2: While I remember, I should thank everyone for their kind birthday wishes. I felt a touch low over the weekend and all you kind wishes lifted me. Thank you all. Special thanks to Kerry, Delectable Pet and NikkiD for publicising the event. Normally I wouldn’t want to be reminded I was entering my 50th year, but yesterday all of the goodwill messages were a real fillip. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : Birthday ; Tribute ; Twenty-one ; Daughter.