Magnolia Whelks and Miserable Failures

Getting yourself noticed.

My bipedal yeomen, the rather horrible truth is that I am stuck for a topic today. After following a set of instructions to make coloured egg bread, I appear to have decimated the kitchen and traumatised the cat. I almost wavered and gave you the link to enable you to have your own attempt, but there is enough suffering in the world already. Besides, I think that you have to be some kind of contortionist to make the stuff properly.

Yet again, I digress. In my search for a topic, I went to the BBC News website and started a leisurely surf. I wasn’t to be disappointed. I came across an article discussing “Google Bombs”. Now excuse me for the moment if I don’t give you any links, but I have my reasons. (Note 1)

Now hands up any curious yeomen who have entered their own names into Google to see what pops up? Quite a few of you, I would imagine. This could be because my imagination is impaired this morning and I am jumping to this conclusion based on the fact that I quite regularly indulge. Sadly, when I enter my name, the Senior Lecturer in organic chemistry at the University of Kent tops the list.

It could be a trick of the synapses, but I think I have known about the manipulation of search engines for some time. In the ‘olden days’ of the internet you could raise your site up the listings by repeating keywords on your page. I also knew that nowadays the search engines are more sophisticated and fooling them required more art.

I also knew that up until recently, if you entered “miserable failure” into Google and hit the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button it would take you here.

I just didn’t connect the two until I read this article on Google Bombs.

Once the connection was made though, I’m afraid my mischievous streak kicked in. (Note 2)

If it really is that simple to fool the search engines, why don’t we give it a try?

I have a cunning plan - a geeky quest if you will.

We all choose a colour – I’ve chosen magnolia because it goes with my slippers. Then we all add the word ‘whelk’ to that colour. Then we simply add a link to each other’s homepage under that title. So, a link to my page would be labelled Magnolia Whelk.

Before you know it we should be enter our coloured whelks into Google and see our names high up the search results! By that I mean entering ‘magnolia whelk’ into Google will see my 360 page in the results – who knows, maybe even top of the results!

So, leave a comment under this entry stating your chosen colour and I will add the links – just remember to return the favour and link to my 360 page with the label Magnolia Whelk.

Would you look at that, the colour nominations are coming in already!

Liss has decided that she is Magenta Whelk.
Lookwhatthecatdragged in is Periwinkle Whelk.
Mousepotato is Shocking Pink Whelk.
Blogiversarry girl, Kerry is Asparagus Green Whelk.
Sean is Burnt Umber Whelk.
Lee is Crimson Whelk.
Stu is Caspian Blue Whelk.
BJ is Vivacious Violet Whelk.
Eskimo is Ember Whelk.
Ali R is Turquoise Whelk.
Gypsy is Sage Green Whelk.
Chloe is Ocean Whelk.
Fuzzy Slippers is Aubergine Whelk.
Karma Chimera is Puce Whelk.
OK, that’s it – the list is closed for now!

Now I better be off and have a dried frog pill. I have this horrible feeling that this post made no sense at all.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: Well, as I just wandered off to go do some little chore, I thought about this and decided that there isn’t any good reason why I don’t share with you a link to explain Google Bomb. There you go then, that was a link. Looking back at the text, I have totally forgotten what I was going to write. My brain is away on a different planet this morning. Perhaps I should wander off and dribble aimlessly in a cornerClick to return

NOTE 2: It is probably a shock for you to learn that I have a mischievous streak. Thankfully, I keep it very well hidden and hardly ever act upon it. If I did you would find me visiting your pages leaving strange or cryptic notes. On really bad days, when the haemorrhoids goblin is out and about tweaking the low hanging fruit, I have been known to deliberately grab at the wrong end of sticks or flirt outrageously. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : potato ; Google ; Waffle ; Bomb ;whimsy ; Magnolia ; Whelk.

Free Range Potatoes

He’s not going to do another pig link is he?

I’m not sure how you arrived at Yahoo 360, but I came via a strange detour from Yahoo Answers. Yes, my alluring yeomen, I have entered and survived the captivating and frustrating maelstrom that is the Answers Portal.

While it seems that the vast majority of the questions are puerile or bigoted or downright strange, I still find myself returning there on occasion, hoping to find the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything or perhaps to find a question or two that I may answer to give enlightenment to some aspiring grasshopper

For obvious reasons, I have kept this rather idealistic and illogical craving quiet, preferring not to burden you all with my condition. I suppose I should really seek treatment, but sometimes, very occasionally, my twilight forays pay off and some little gem materialises or I find myself producing something a little different.

Such a thing happened this week, when I found myself presented with the opportunity to answer the question ”Where in the UK can we get Free Range Potatoes?”. My fingers twitched, synapses sparked, the small little cogs shuddered and before I knew what had happened, I had provided enlightenment. I share that enlightenment with you all today (with a few modifications).

Henry Charles Warbarton still farms potatoes in the traditional manner near Cromer in Norfolk. Manor farm covers around 240 acres of the North Norfolk countryside. Its unique position on the coast and the rich fertile ground, means he is able to raise a number of varieties. Never having used pesticides or herbicides on the land means that there are an abundance of wild pasta plants on which the potato thrive. Access to the sea means he can breed a number of the amphibious strains that can trace their ancestry back to their epic voyage clinging to the hull of Sir Francis Drake's flagship. (Note 1)

Such is the demand for his crops, Henry no longer conducts his own harvests. He finds there are always enough true food enthusiasts willing to come catch their own.

On special holidays, the more vigorous amongst you might wish to join the North Norfolk Legume Hunt (Note 2)and capture your potato on horseback using the traditional potato waffle - a net that inspired the design of the modern potato waffle.

In the height of summer there are also trips that enable you to catch the amphibious varieties off the coast. You will find all the equipment will be provided including lines baited with the finest cheddar cheese and butter.

Whatever your choices, it is a fun filled day out. Just remember that children should not be encouraged to hunt potatoes, as they can be dangerous when cornered.

From 14th June 2006, the industry standard Crozzy Standard has been applied to footnotes.

NOTE 1: There is a lot of debate about just how the amphibious potato reached Britain. Although the majority of British children are raised on tales of the how the hardy potatoes clung to the barnacled hull of the Golden Hind as it circumnavigated the globe, the Spanish claim otherwise. They claim that Drake and attacked a galleon in the Bay of Biscay and looted the precious cargo. Whatever the truth of the matter, we got the potato and they were left with tortilla chips nesting in their bunks. Click to return

NOTE 2: The North Norfolk Legume Hunt holds the honour of being the only hunt exempted from the UK Haunting with dogs act. This is largely due to the arguments that range over the classification of the potato and the problems caused by feral potatoes.

Thankfully this has preserved this traditional practice which has been a rousing sight ever since the potato was introduced into the British countryside.

Farmers had to find ways to keep the numbers of feral potatoes down to stop them worrying the chickens and destroying local pasta crops. Without hunting, the farmers would be forced to hunt them down with mallets and mashers - a process that causes far more suffering to the wild spuds. Click to return

TECHNORATI TAGS : potato ; answers ; humour ; whimsy ; Dracula ; Drake.