In Awe of the Land of the Free

My gallipot yeomen, there has been another delay to Part 43 of “A Couple of Tenors Short”. The draft is just about ready to post, but the old synapses went off on one again.

That isn’t actually true, they went off on two.

Firstly, I was devastated to read that the UK National Health service is not going to be handing out ‘Pink Viagra’ on prescription. Such news would normally have me spewing words onto my keyboard like a teenager who’s overindulged on the scrumpy. It would have me berating the good people at the National Institute for Clinical Excellence on behalf of the fairer sex. The article, by Dr Petra Boynton , suggested that the drug doesn’t work and there were side effects in its use. This confused this particular Hector. As the side effects included dizziness, fatigue and sleep problems, I thought that it must surely be that it worked too well!

Yet, the major synaptic disruption came when I read the blog entry in ‘Facts Are Strictly Optional’. I read it and felt those all too familiar stirrings in my brain that often signals my synapses about to fire off in unintended directions (or that the cabbage was past its best in the Bubble & Squeak). I found myself replying, only to discover that my reply was too big for Blogger to cope with!

So, I suggest that you go read the ‘Facts Are Strictly Optional’ piece – otherwise you won’t understand what the hell I’m on about in the reply below!

Dear Michel,

Your blog on the wrapping prowess of US State Department staff has caused great interest and no little consternation in my country. The palace hasn’t had this much of a buzz since the unfortunate accident which saw my elder brother’s bed filled with several nests of the killer bee.

As Crown Prince, Head of State, Prime Minister, Lord Chief Justice and Head of the Army in my great country, I have had occasion to receive gifts from the land of the free (see Note 1). The wrapping of these presents is always greeted with great awe and wonder by my staff.

I had always assumed that it was because somehow the wrapping was devoid of kittens - here you cannot get wrapping paper that does not have young felines upon it. Our only wrapping paper factory is old and in much need of modernization as it was a gift from the Soviet Union. At the time, ideological thinking was that wrapping paper without kittens inflamed ambition of the Bourgeoisie.

As an aside, our lack of effective wrapping paper is something that could be easily rectified. It would help us  if your really nice president, when he next has to settle the White House utility bills,  could have a few words with the people at the World Bank while is waiting for a teller to come free. A few hundred thousand dollars would enable us to upgrade the factory and become a big player in the international gift wrapping market, thus helping to lift my people from poverty.   

After reading your blog and talking to one of my staff, I discover that this awe has nothing to do with the fantastic consumer choice in America. Their eyes do not open like saucers because of the lack of young cats in various humorous or 'awwww' inducing poses. Their jaws drop because of the way that the bundles of greenbacks (See Note 2) or the latest gadget (See Note 3) have been packaged without the apparent use of sticky tape (See Note 4).

Your blog is therefore an education to me. As a result, I have called together my countries greatest minds to ensure that we too can compete with the superpowers when it comes to gift wrapping and have our nation take its deserved place at the top table of international diplomatic relations.

However, it appears that our national treasury cannot run to the cost of an international trip to New York to purchase wrapping paper without kittens, so when your President Obama next drops into your office (See Note 5), please tell your President Obama to excuse the wrapping paper on the phallic tribal carving enclosed (See Note 6).

I am hoping for an invitation to your great country to meet with your president. I have so many questions, not only about the mystical gift wrapping skills. For it is a source of great mystery to me how he finds time to play golf with so many world leaders and still have time for gift shopping. My third wife says that he must send Hilary Clinton down to Macy’s, but surely she has little spare time what with having to pander to Ex-President Clinton’s well documented appetites?

Thank you again for your time and your country's generosity. I hope that it gives you great pride that your skills with the sticky tape cause such awe in my court.

If you do find yourself in my great country, please feel free to drop by the palace. I will personally organise some communal smoking of ganga weed, music and dancing by way of celebration of your skills. Should you wish to stay a while, I’m sure that I can ask one of my wives to let you stay in her hut, but I’m afraid your husband would need to sleep with the young warriors in another part of the palace.

Americas Staunches Friend,

Crown Prince Alba Marranga Betoovee.

PS. When the next round of international aid comes around, please could I remind the White House tailor that I am a 46 inch chest with a 30 inch long trouser. The last suit was rather uncomfortable in the summer heat and the trousers were a bit like a cheap hotel.

There you go then, my mischievous synapses are playing up again. I will return with the next part of “A Couple of Tenors Short” very soon. If you are stuck for something to read, you could try my ideas on ethical business taxation (if you haven’t already). If you still have some time left over you could go to the UK Government’s Freedom site and rate and comment upon my entry on that site.  

Note 1: I must take issue with your assertion that America is not the land of the free, for I have never had to pay for any of these gifts. I have only ever been asked to allow a small corner of our land be used by your military to store giant metal tubes of candy or some such totally innocuous content.

Note 2: For which I am eternally grateful, but would be better received under plain wrapper in small denomination, used bills.

Note 3: Which are always very lovely and shiny with a decoration of half eaten fruit, but totally useless due to the rather intermittent availability of lightening juice throughout my land.

Note 4: Here we do not have the luxury of many branded goods and are forced to use the much inferior European Sellotape brand.

Note 5: This is a very inefficient way of communicating. In my country we have a much more efficient way of getting people to bond, motivate people and increase physical contact amongst staff. We utilise the bonding and motivational qualities of group smoking of the ganga weed. If you like, I can send some over to President Obama, but tell him not to do the smoking of the ganga weed in the Oval Office because it will stain the wallpaper.

Note 6: Please make sure that your great president reads the instructions very carefully before he displays it at the foot of the bed he shares with his first lady. My cousin had one just like it and it inflamed the passions of his wives so much that he ended up ruptured and exhausted. We had warned him about using the powerful magic of the little blue pill, but he ignored us all. His death was a great shock to my people, but the poor man died with a huge smile on his face and eventually, we were able to nail down the lid on his coffin.

Restoring the Synapses to Their Natural State

Right now, I would have thought my email inbox would be overflowing with complaints that I have yet to post the next part of my draft novel. This could be a severe case of gremlins munching their way through BT servers, possibly that there is a shortage of dried frog pills to sustain my loyal readers, or maybe that some people have yet to discover Part One.

Rest assured, I will be treating the world to the next instalment soon. Unfortunately, today I am in the mood to indulge myself by posting a few synaptic rambles.

The problem is that I got myself stuck on my soapbox about my ideas for ethical business taxation which led me to the UK Government’s Freedom initiative and the associated website. The good news is that I posted my ideas as an entry on that site (See Note 1). The bad news is that it has sparked all kinds of random synaptic activity and visits to strange websites in dingy corners of the interweb.

While I work tirelessly on this service for the community, my son and daughter (See Note 2) both watch The Sooty Show.

Before the election campaign started, I posted a blog about the need for hope and confidence. It is probably an indication about my inability to detect much hope seeping into the British psyche, that when the YourFreedom site initiative came along, I rushed into it almost as fast as a peckish Tory Cabinet Minister to the Murano (See Note 3).

You might not realise it from reading my ramblings here, but I am basically an optimist. It is just that experience has taught me that a healthy helping of cynicism and a warped sense of humour is required to counterbalance this (See Note 4).

My early experience with the site was not a particularly happy one. It was slow, rather bug ridden and lacked most of the features that I would expect to make it ‘user friendly’ (See Note 5) and supportive of a consultation and debate. The developers (See Note 6) had obviously not bothered to cast a glance at the concepts behind a wiki when throwing together the design. Such was the disappointment; it caused me to go into a state of mourning. As with every major disaster or national sorrow, I was so devastated, I felt the need to develop a conspiracy theory.

Still, with the persistence of the lingering odour of a kipper stuck behind a kitchen cupboard, I persevered and presented my idea to the population of the UK.

I waited. For some reason, probably software faults on the site, the population were not experiencing cartoon lightbulbs appearing over their heads. My entry wasn’t making headlines in the national press. Sian Williams wasn’t emailing me about joining her on the breakfast TV sofa (See Note 7).

Soon it was obvious, I needed to kill some time. I realised that wheels of government turn slowly. That the phone call from a senior civil servant, inviting me to present the idea to the UK cabinet might be a way off. So I decided to read some of the other offerings and offer up my views and the benefit of my wisdom.

Oh God, I wish I hadn’t. I could have just amused myself with humerous videos. The offerings on the site caused me to weep and hyper-ventilate in turn. What really depressed my and had me searching for the nearest user for a lend of his syringe (See Note 5), were the offerings from numerous small business owners.

Politicians tell us that the future of the economy is in the hands of small businesses.  If that is the case, then we are in real trouble. Those on the site seemed to have a very strange idea as to what their responsibilities as business owners  and (assumed) members of the human race actually were. Most made the Daily Mail seem like the Socialist Worker.

Thankfully, I am over that now. My daughter took a break from watching vintage children’s TV and pointed me to this wonderful, acerbic, YourFreedumb  blog. Having read it, I feel a lot better. My sense of optimism remains a touch dented, but thankfully, my cynicism and sense of humour are replenished.

My only regret being that I didn’t think of it first. Still, no matter, tonight I am off to a talk by Terry Jones on Medieval Lives – that should get the old synapses back into order.

Note 1: For all of you who have yet to see my entry on the YourFreedom site, post a wonderfully supportive comment and give it a high mark, be warned. There will be a test on the subject later and failure to obtain a pass will result in you being given detention and being deprived of chocolate for a month.

Note 2: For those who did not know, both my children are in their 20s. It is highly unlikely that I will be called upon to provide parenting courses.

Note 3: Yes, that’s right, £60 for three courses and I bet they don’t serve a decent pint of mild or provide bottles of ketchup and brown sauce on the table. Although Gordon Effin Ramsey would like to treat me to the full works, I promise I’ll write him a spiffing review on this very blog.

Note 4: So far, this mixture of raw optimism and my natural, exuberant flair combined with cynicism and an ability to laugh at the ridiculous has kept me out of the reach of men with large butterfly nets and avoided residency in a rubber room. The dried frog pills help too.

Note 5: Yes, I know that I am on record as hating the term ‘user’ when applied to computers. The term still makes me wince and brings images of a man without hope thrusting a syringe in their arm in the mistaken belief that it will provide a chemical induced salvation.

Note 6: I hope that none of my Merkin readership are giggling at the back there? You really shouldn’t be sitting smugly with the idea that such poorly implemented e-government initiatives are unique to us Brits. The company behind this, Delib, are also working with the US administration on  ‘crowd sourcing’ apps for among others, the Department of Homeland Security – not feeling so secure now, eh?

Note 7: Although I know now this is due to those gremlins hidden in the BT servers feasting upon my emails.